It's Not All Good

For those that might read my blog enough, you might think, "man, she has a lot of successes and doesn't really write about bad things."  Well, I have written about some pretty tough things I have been through - lost friendships, people accused me of sharking, dealing with rude opponents, etc.

However, I have been playing well lately and therefore have come away with many great wins in league and placed high in a several women's tourneys the last year or so.

So, I have written a lot of "feel-good" blog entries lately.

But, it's time to share that it's not all roses.

It's not all peaches and cream.

It's not all successes.

Sure, I have been playing well, but it doesn't mean I don't have off days or go through tough situations.

So, I wanted to share one of my "bad days of pool" with you, my online friends.

At the end of May, I played in a mixed bar table tournament.  I felt fairly confident, as I have been playing well, even though I knew the competition would be tough.  I didn't think I'd place in the money, don't get me wrong, but I still thought I could get a few wins under my belt and have a decent showing.

As we walk into the pool room, I see someone I hadn't seen in a while and asked him if he was gonna play on the Tour I am now running in the area.

I don't even know how to tell you that his response caught me extremely off guard.  He chewed me out!  He pointed his little pointy finger at me while he yelled at me with so much anger, it scared me.  He yelled at me that he was never playing on the tour again; and that it was my fault.  I stood there in awe, trying to defend myself, but instead, found myself back to being 13 years old being verbally abused as a child.

I did TRY to speak up, but he yelled OVER me; and AT me; and cussed me out.

:(

As he walked away from me, I started to shake with embarrassment, anger, confusion, and raw emotion.

I walked over to my boyfriend who didn't know this was going on and I reacted.  I started to shout and shake in my voice and yelled, HE JUST FUCKING CHEWED ME OUT!" as I tried to explain what just transpired while holding back tears.

Friends started to walk in and they would try to say hello and get a hug but I could only stand there very upset. 

The few people I confided in tried to calm me down; told me he was wrong; told me that what he was upset about wasn't my fault (even though he blamed me); told me he shouldn't have treated me that way; told me he was an asshole; etc.

It didn't help.

I was deeply affected and mortified I had just been chewed out for something I had NO idea he was upset about it.  He blamed me for something that happened SIX months ago at a tournament, that I had no idea he thought was my fault.  Everyone told me he was wrong, and that actually it was HIS fault he lost.

It doesn't matter; the damage was done.  I was done.  I was a mess.  I had to go outside and cry because it was too emotional what just happened to me.  My boyfriend came out to console me but of course I would take it out on him and yell at him.  He wants to confront the guy but I tell him not to, just let me and him both cool off.

But I kept telling him, "You weren't there, you didn't hear and see what he said and how angry he got."  His reply, "He never would have treated me that way."

:(

(for the record, he got upset at something and walked out of the tourney in the middle of his match) 

After about an hour and a half, I get to play my first match.  I am physically and emotionally drained.  I can tell.

I play a guy that my boyfriend banters a lot with and I hear my boyfriend say to him from across the room, "Want to bet $10 on the side, Doc?"

I'm like, "Really, Guys?"

Then another friend says from the next table, "You aren't going to take that bet, Doc?"

Then I start thinking too much.

Why would he say that?  He's a friend.  Doesn't he know I can beat Doc?  Does he NOT think I can beat him?  Why would he think that about my game?  I play better than him!  Does he not think that?  How can he not think that?

Yep, I was butt hurt.

I miss 3 shots in the side and I lose the match 4-2.  Doc played real good, and I think I can beat him normally, but those 3 shots in the side cost me.  During the match, while emotionally drained from earlier, I'm also still perturbed my friend didn't have enough confidence in me.  I let it bother me during the match, which was STUPID, of course.  We can't play good pool if we aren't focused on the match at hand.

I walk over to my b/f after I lost and tell him, "I'm sorry I lost."

I asked him how much they bet and he said $50.

I immediately react, "WHAT?!  50?!  Why?  I thought it was $10!"

"Because you should beat him. "

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't," I snap.

"You should have beat him, but it's okay" he tries to tell me reassuringly.

Really???  You gonna say that me?  Now I feel REALLY bad I lost.

"Don't worry about it," he tells me.

At this point, all common sense goes out the window.

Still reeling from earlier, a friend has no confidence in my game, and now I'm being told I "should" have won.

I had to go back outside.  :(

I took everything wrong, can't think straight, super upset and emotional, and just lost $50 for my boyfriend.

THEN!  I heard that Doc and that friend were exchanging money.  So, now I presume that the money was the $50 he won off of me.  Now I REALLY feel like he thought I can't beat Doc.  I'm mortified he doesn't believe in my game - dammit, I play good enough to beat Doc!

(well, I think I do)

It takes me over another hour or two to finally calm down and think straight over being chewed out from earlier in the morning.

I now can see that although I don't agree, the guy really thinks the instance is my fault and he blames me so he's super mad at me and took it out on me.

I have to remind my b/f throughout the day not to say anything to the guy, as my b/f continues to be upset about it, too.  But now that I've calmed down, I am now glad he chewed me out and not my b/f (because it could have been uglier).

I am much calmer and can understand if the guy really is upset, he has a right to be.  Everyone has their own emotional triggers and his was he was upset about that day six months ago.  Now, granted, he should NOT have chewed me out like that, but I can accept he's angry.  I don't understand, but I can accept that those are his emotions.  But, it takes me HOURS to calm down and realize this clearly.

However, I get a little frisky and send a text to that friend, "I can't believe you bet against me.  I'll gamble with Doc any day, any time."

He sends a reply, "What?"

He finally comes over and talks to me, "what did you mean?"

I told him what I meant and what happened earlier.

He said, "What?  No, I was joking with Doc - like, he was scared to bet only $10?  I had no idea they bet $50.  I wasn't in on it; the money I got from Doc was for two calcutta bets, not your bet."

It goes to show that when you are upset, your mind wanders aimlessly, negatively, and stupidly!  Plus, honestly, my friend can think Doc is better than I - I can't be offended about it if that's the way he really feels.

It was a really, really rough start to the day.  Luckily I gambled with someone else later that evening and won $50.  :)

But, not everything is roses.  There are some thorns.