Not Afraid to Fail or Succeed - Tips

One of my friends mentioned he tried to leave a comment on my blog.  I asked him for which post, and he said the one about not seeing results.  I didn't see the comment through Blogger, but luckily he gave me the Cliff Notes version:

"It is harder to get tournament results now than it’s ever been... Players are just flat out better now than they were 25 years ago and there are so many more of them. No result is guaranteed. The guys that do consistently well are the ones who put in the work."

Good point!

However, I then keyed in on his final sentence:  “The guys that do consistently well are the ones who put in the work.”  

The reason why, is because he himself has been finishing higher than I’m used to seeing on the tour he plays on. You all know my curiosity, so of course I asked him about it (smile).

I asked him, “Does this mean you are putting in work? You are placing higher than before, and more consistently – not just lucky or random high finishes.”

I was expecting his normal witty repartee, but instead he was serious.  And the info was really eye-opening.  I'm excited to share this conversation with you all!

“I practice at the house before big tournaments. But, what has happened to me is my whole outlook has changed. I just play... Very aggressive and confident. And I don’t quit. LOL.”

“That's really awesome,” I told him. Then asked, him why he starting doing that.

He replies,

“Life... LOL. I’m not a wound-up person, so I can just concentrate on playing. I’m not afraid to shoot anything anymore because the result of any given shot means very little to my life. I know that sounds fatalistic and yet weird, but it works for me. I like playing and I like competing, but the truth is: the results mean nothing to me or my life. I used to be afraid both to fail and to succeed. Now I’m neither.”

Interesting, right?

I then asked him what made him decide to start playing that way.

He explains,

“It’s that fear thing. I used to be so afraid to fail. Now I’m not. And, truth be told, I’m a more talented and polished player now at age 51 than I have ever been.” (he has great fundamentals he’s worked on for years and they are very solid now.)

I prodded more, “Did you wake up and realize that? Or just figure that out one day?”

He said,

“It just kinda happened. No figuring. It just seemed silly to be afraid to lose a pool game. Or afraid to win one for that matter. Funny thing is I still have little moments of crisis of confidence. But they don’t last long and the balls keep going in whether I have them or not. No explanation for that. 

Observation about confidence: Am I playing well because I’m confident or am I confident because I’ve reached a predictable level of playing well??

Hmm, good internal questions.

I then asked him one final thing about this really intriguing discussion, “How long ago did this change in thinking start?”

“Let’s see. I guess I really first felt it about a year ago. Maybe around the time I realized I was at a terrible job with not much hope for better.  I just know that when I turned my life over to a certain feeling of resignation it carried over to my pool playing and all fear was gone. No fear of losing, no fear of embarrassment, and no fear of winning even. It somehow freed me to just play. And to play a style that I enjoy. Because I was resigned to the fact that none of it really mattered.”

He added, “I doubt that makes sense.”

Actually, it does.  And SO wanted to share this with you all.  Enjoy!

Facing Fear

I written a few times that fear is something you need to get a handle of in order to focus on playing good pool. 

If you have fear, you have negative feelings.  Negative feelings do not allow good pool playing!  Examples of "fear" in matches are:

• embarrassment, 
• losing in front of friends,
• worrying about how you "should" finish,
• people watching you,
• meeting your expectations,
• playing in front of a crowd,
• playing with adversity around you,
• being nervous,
• feeling pressure,
• worrying about results,
• thinking ahead,
• worrying about your "status"

Basically, anything that makes your heart race, hands shake, maybe sweat a little, can't really focus on pool or your fundamentals, mind racing, etc.

Sounds like pressure, huh? 

How do you overcome these negative feelings and thoughts?  You need to reverse those feelings and start thinking positive.

As I wrote about before, I talked to Paul Potier (a coach of pros) about this very thing - embarrassment in matches - while sitting next to him at a poker table at the Riviera in Vegas in 2007.

As a well-known instructor, I took the opportunity to ask him about my latest obstacle (I had been going through embarrassment in matches for a few months - right after I worked successfully on another part of my mental game, ironically).

He said, basically, embarrassment is the same as fear. If we look at fear and confidence on a percentage level, we have 100% of them combined into a flask (my terminology). The key is to make the two "feelings" lopsided in the flask so there is more confidence than fear. He didn't tell me how to do that but it's still a very important thing to remember.  get MORE confidence than fear.

I have a few tricks I use to get that confidence:

• Focus on what you are doing right
• Celebrate even the smallest successes (drawing the ball well or maybe breaking well)
• Tell yourself how lucky you are to play the game you love
• Compare this fear to other things in life.  Is this REALLY the worse thing you've been through?  Have you been through more "scarier" things in life.  Tougher things?  Of course.
• Think of a great thing in your life that is going on to try and occupy your mind off of the negatives
• Think of a song and sing in your head
• Think of things that make you smile
• Try and have fun even though you might be nervous

Basically, re-direct your thoughts to positive things.  Being "scared" or feeling pressure is not the end of the world!  So, make yourself realize that enough you may be heaving, can't breathe, and can't stop shaking.

I, of course, also take deep breathes when that adrenaline is racing through my veins.  Breathe in deeply, hold, let the air out slowly.  That actually slows your adrenaline.

The other key I have written about before is to focus on your pre-shot routine, fundamentals, and three-ball shape.  Tough to worry about what is going on around you if your mind is solely on the game.  Of course our mind SHOULD be only on the game at hand, but we all know thoughts creep into our minds.  But focusing on the layout in front of you helps your mind focus on that only.

For other tips, click here from a past post.

HAVE FUN, People!  Keep pool into perspective.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Worrying about the results will not change them. As a matter of fact, worry just might be the engine that starts negative thinking, and if you are involved in negative thinking, you will not expect to win. ~Zig Ziglar

I'm just going to cut and paste this and give proper credit where credit is due:

Don’t Worry About Results

By Zig Ziglar

Have you ever watched people bowl? Many of them go through a little ritual before they actually get to the point of hurling their bowling ball in the direction of the pins. They carefully lace up their bowling shoes, and then the hunt for the perfect bowling ball begins.  They may put on a bowling glove as well as an elbow brace. As they step to the line they glare at the bowling pins and get into their approach posture. Then they step forward and release the bowling ball down the alley.  That’s when it gets interesting. As the ball rolls toward the pins the bowler starts deploying facial expressions, body English, and hand signals to “guide” the ball into the best impact point on the pins. As they see the ball drifting into a less-than-perfect point of impact they begin to give voice commands to the ball to correct its course. Of course, once the ball is released it is on the way, and there is nothing the bowler can do to change what is going to happen. The bowler could just as easily release the ball, turn around, and not even look at the impact of ball and pins. The results would be the same.

The bowling illustration demonstrates the futility of “worrying” about results. When you have set your goals properly and planned the action you need to take it’s a waste of time, energy, and emotion to worry about the results of what you have set in motion. When you execute an action step, it is like releasing a bowling ball. The results ball is rolling, and there is little you can do to change the point of impact.  Worrying about where the ball will impact the target won’t improve or change what happens. The results will be the fruit of how well you prepared and planned and executed the action.

Worrying Makes Problems Worse
Worrying about the results will not change them.  I certainly recognize that a certain amount of worry is just part of being human. People have concerns about many things. There are legitimate concerns about money and financial security. There are legitimate concerns about health issues, and there are concerns about our personal and professional relationships. People want all of these things to go well in their lives, and a certain amount of worry and concern is normal. But there is another kind of worry that is not only dangerous to your health; it is dangerous to your success. The kind of worry I’m talking about is “imagined worry.” Imagined worry is when you spend a lot of time thinking about the future and what might happen in your life that could be terrible. My late friend Mary Crowley said, “Worry is a misuse of the imagination,” and she hit the nail on the head with that remark.  Now you might be wondering why I’m so concerned about worrying and what it has to do with success and expecting to win, so I’ll tell you. Worry is the most significant factor that relates to the root of negative thinking. As a matter of fact, worry just might be the engine that starts negative thinking, and if you are involved in negative thinking, you will not expect to win. If you spend an excessive amount of time imagining all the bad things that can happen in your life, you will become a person who is problem-conscious, not solution-conscious. There is perhaps no greater example of how this can be so dangerous than when it involves worrying about health issues.  I have known many people who receive bad medical reports, and when they hear the news, they begin to worry so much about it that their life may as well have ended at that moment.  Yes, they have bad days, but they choose to focus on the good days and what they can still do. They live in the moment and know full well that tomorrow will be what it is and they can deal with it when it arrives, not before.

Stop Worrying . . . Start Expecting
Worry is the result of thinking and imagining what might happen in the future. I want to stress the word “imagine.” The only reality people have is what is going on in their lives today. It is in the events of the day that life transpires, and anything based on tomorrow is pure speculation. I’ve learned that if you have planned and prepared, you can have reasonable expectations about the future. If you take care of your health through a good diet coupled with exercise, you can reasonably expect good health in the future. If you save and invest your financial resources, you can reasonably expect to have financial security in the future. If you live by principles of love and service to others, you can reasonably expect to have good personal relationships in the future. Good action today will produce good living tomorrow. Reasonably good expectations for tomorrow are based on positive thinking and prudent action today. Try this: instead of imagining all the bad things that might happen to you in the future based on your fear, start imagining things working out. There’s a song titled, “What If It All Goes Right?” by Melissa Lawson. The second line of the chorus is, “What if it all works out, what if the stars all line up . . . ” You have to develop a what if it does go right and work out expectancy if you want to be the winner you were born to be.

I Don’t Worry
Worrying is something I quit doing many years ago, and today I can honestly tell you that I don’t worry about anything—period! In fact, when the terrorist attack happened on 9/11 and I had to find a way to travel back home, I did not worry about the possibility of another attack. I believe if it is not my time, there’s not a terrorist on the earth who can change the will of God about what my lifespan should be. I never worry because I know who I am and I know Whose I am. I know that the principles I live by are true and correct. I also know that I always try to do the right thing, and when you do the right things in life, you don’t have to worry about results. As a matter of fact, if I’ve done the right thing every day I’m not even responsible for results. I just get the benefit of what I do, and the benefits are usually better than I could have hoped for.

Finally, remember that if you have planned and prepared yourself to win, there is no need to worry about the results. Like the bowler who has released the ball down the alley, you must learn there is nothing your worrying can do to change anything. If you have planned well and set good goals, you can have confidence that you know where you want and need to go. If you have done what you need to do to prepare yourself to win, you do not have to worry. You will have no justification to worry about failure. You can expect to win!

The article is adapted from Born to Win:  Find Your Success Code.   Zig Ziglar was known as America’s Motivator.  He authored 32 books and produced numerous training programs.  He will be remembered as a man who lived out his faith daily.

Status and Labels

Our status defines us.  Or, does it?

What others might see as which "label" we should be, we may not agree with.  Some may have finished high enough in a national tourney to now be a defined as a "Master" or an "Advanced" player. 

But, what do you think of yourself?

Do you think your status is accurate?  And does it help you or hurt you?

For me, it's easy.

I'm defined by the leagues as an "Open" player.  While this year I was one finish away in the Open singles at BCAPL to be moved up to an "Advanced" player, I was still short of that status.  I'm still an Open player.

When I placed 9th in the BCAPL Women's Open and became a Master player in 2001 for 2 whole years, I don't know how I did that.  Sure, I played more pool back then and so I finished higher in many tourneys across Texas, but it's amazing to me how much more exponentially knowledgeable I am about the game today.  How did I do that back then?

Is pool cyclical?

We go through life and sometimes pool is on the forefront and we place well in many tourneys.  Then, things in life happen and maybe we don't play as much anymore.  And while we may not place as high as we did before, we are still semi-decent players.  Then life presents us with another opportunity to play lots of pool and we start to excel again.  And we learn more about the game than we ever have before!  We may not place higher, but we still play pool well (even... better).

Someone asked me in Vegas how it feels to be defined as an Open player, but everyone thinks I should be a Master.  Or, at the very least, an Advanced player (by definition).  My answer was simple:

"It doesn't bother me."

I shared with my friend that while I agree my physical skills may be at a Master level, my mental skills are not there yet.  I think I should be an Open player based on my mental game. 

I still struggle with pressure, expectations, nerves, future-thinking, wants, etc. My mental game is gooey, compared to my physical game.

If I didn't get nervous or if I could overcome my fears and pressure, I think I would have won many state tourneys by now, or even an OB Cues Ladies Tour stop!

I haven't "mastered" that part of my game. Although I've made much progress, and have come a long way, I still have mental obstacles. I obviously still struggle with my fundamentals every now and then, too. Therefore, I am fine with where I am right now: an Open Player.

I have the skills physically and the knowledge of Master players and also a lot of tournament experience, but mentally, I feel like I'm not there yet. 

I do wonder though - will I ever be "there"? 

Will I ever perfect my physical and mental game to where one day I don't say I still struggle with pressure or still jump up?  I think working on my game is part of the journey and whether a Master or Advanced or Grand Master, I will always be working on things.

I honestly think I could easily be a Master player.  I can't even imagine myself  to the point where I could be MORE than a Master.  I can't even fathom that.  Grand Master?  Me?  Nah.  I can't see myself playing at the pro level.  Master?  Advanced?  Sure.

I feel I'm getting better and better little bit by little bit, all the time, though.  It feels good.  :)  I hope it continues.

If I get more wins under my belt, and overcome that invisible pressure I put on myself, I think I will easily place high enough in a nationals tourney to be officially defined as a Master player again some day (soon).

Until then, this is who I am.  And I'm very okay with that.

And let's talk about the elephant in the room.  An Open player has more opportunities to play in tournaments.  I can play in the leagues' Texas State tourneys and in local scotch doubles tourneys.  I can play on an Open Women's Team next year.  I can play in the Open Scotch doubles next year in Vegas for BCAPL with my boyfriend.  I don't have to give up weight in certain tourneys because I'm still an Open player.

There ARE benefits to being labeled an "Open" player.  When I become a Master player, I will embrace it and be extremely honored, but until then, I need to take advantage of the fact I am an Open player that plays pretty sporty. 

I have a friend who is a Grand Master and she is almost penalized for her high finish in the Master's division a year ago.  She cannot play in many tourneys, including even on Open men's Teams or Master Scotch Doubles with certain people. 

I would be limited as an Advanced Player, but even MORE limited as a Master player.  So, when that times comes (and I truly believe that time will come), I will embrace it for what it means:  I am deserving of the label of a good pool player.

ByStanders Affect

It's very difficult to play pool and not care what others think.  Certain people are in the crowd and you consciously think they are judging you or your mistakes.  Or, when you are playing well, you shark yourself because it crosses your mind they are thinking about how well you are playing, too.

When we think about what others are thinking, it means we are no longer playing pool.  It doesn't matter if the thoughts are negative or positive - any "thinking" that is NOT about the balls in front of us is a distraction to our ability to play our best.

Joe Salazar and I spoke about this when I was in Reno.  He shared with me over 5 years ago or more to not look at the crowd.  I love this "tactic" and I literally walk to a table looking at the floor so I don't notice who is in the crowd.  Certain people can throw me off my game. 

He reaffirmed this important aspect of competition with me in Reno when we talked about how the reason we sometimes falter on the table is because we are concerned about what others think.  The key is to play for YOURSELF.  Not for anyone else.

As examples, when I play in big tournaments in Austin, while I don't look around, sometimes I would still notice a Mental Coach in the stands.  I used to play bad in front of her because she wanted to work with me.  I figured that meant I needed work.  Further, when I would watch matches with her, she would share mistakes about other players.  Because she discussed mistakes with me, I only imagined she judged my game as well.  A friend shared with me, "I think she wants to work with you because she likes you and wants to see you succeed."  It was a different spin on my negative thoughts, and now I play better in front of her.

Another friend in Austin, I adore!  He has never once criticized my game or shots.  He is full of support and if I see him in the crowd, I know he only wants the best for me.

Sometimes I worry so much about what people think of me when I miss, it can cause my embarrassment factor to go up and then I miss more.

There are two guys in my area that show up at tournaments to watch me play.  One I will call Chico and the other I will call The Biker.  I love their support and admit I don't know why they like to watch me, but it's cool to have a few fans that love the game so much.  As a matter of fact, they showed up on Sunday for the OB Cues Ladies Tour.

When they watch, even though I know they are full of support for me, admittedly, sometimes I still have to remind myself these certain friends only want the best for me.  Just like most people, when I miss, I get embarrassed.  When I miss in front of them, I try not to think I'm letting them down.  Or I try not to get embarrassed.  I tell myself they only wish I hadn't missed, and only want me to overcome and prevail.  I find it kinda crazy that even though they are extremely supportive, I still have to work to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I don't want to let them down, but I need to not even be thinking about them when I'm playing pool.  When I focus on ME, on my play, I play better.  As Joe says, "not what others think."

I honestly need to get over being embarrassed when I miss.  I need to remind myself over and over again what my boyfriend tells me, "Everyone misses.  It's okay."   Embarrassment makes my arms wobbly, lol.  Yes, I know you know that feeling, too.

When you can get to a point to not think of people on the sidelines, your game will go up.

Chico and The Biker are extremely supportive and NOT once have they EVER said anything ill about my game, matches, or misses.  NOT ONCE.  They simply watch me play the game they love.

Two other guys, on the other hand, HAVE said negative things. I consider this one guy a semi-mentor to me.  He has given me tips over the years and I have appreciated his words of advice.  On the other hand, he is mentally very tough to handle because after matches, he only points out what I did wrong.  Semi-Mentor is very tough for me to fade when he's in a crowd.  I cringe at the thought of what he might say to me after.

The other gentlemen, who I will call Straighty, is similar.  He just says what's on his mind with no thought of how it might affect a weakened female who just lost.  He's told me things like, "You gave that match away."  One time he did that and I was so frustrated, I snapped back at him in retaliation, "You don't think I'm already upset??  Why would you say that to me?  I"m upset I lost!"  He just hugged me, "I know." 

Another time he said, "Wow, you didn't finish well.  Neither did your friend."  Why would anyone say something like that??  Seriously.

So, you can imagine my fears when Straighty and Semi-Mentor were in the crowd on Saturday at the OB Cues Tour.  Straighty followed me and watched a couple of matches.  When I first saw him, I just told myself to play for myself and not worry about what he might say after.  Same with Semi-Mentor.  This day, I played my little heart out and played well.  I didn't care on Saturday who was in the crowd - I played for ME.

Straighty shared after both matches that I was playing very, very well.  I think I impressed him a little because he told me Saturday night, "This might be the best I've seen you play; I think you can win this tournament."

It was a great departure from when I'm usually being the kicked dog, lol.  But MY success was that I overcame them in the crowd.  I honestly didn't remember they were in the crowd til the matches were over.  When I first saw them, I just focused on me.

However, Semi-Mentor was his typical self, and he upset me.  After my final win of the day on Saturday, I went up to him to ask him about close shots.  He had shared something about them before, and I needed additional help.  I started off with, "I missed the 5 ball because of...."  He cut me off.  "Yea, I saw you miss that five.  The one you $hit in."

"No, I'm talking about a different one," trying to get back to my question.

"Well, I saw you miss another five, and that six..."

I cut him off.  "Is that all you're going to say to me?"

He never once congratulated me or said I played well.  Maybe I didn't in his eyes.  But who cares.  I'm tired of the negativity and told what I did wrong and all my mistakes.  I still won that match, and then went on to place 5th!!  People feed off words of encouragement, not our mistakes. 

My point is, that even though we need to care only about ourselves, it IS tough because so many people make un-asked-for comments about our misses, losses, games.  No wonder we sometimes worry about being judged.  We ARE.  And they TELL us sometimes.

It amazes me because the game is such a mental game; why make it worse by saying stupid, negative, un-called for comments?  These guys have been around pool enough to know that it's 90% mental. 

:(

The take-away from this post is for me to try and stop feeling embarrassed (a negative emotion) when I miss.  And..... play ONLY for me. 

Prevail in Spite of Fear

Fear can hold us back from reaching goals or fully experiencing new opportunities.

From Jane Powell:

Accept your fear – there’s nothing shameful in it. Next time you shy away from a situation, stop and say to yourself, “I’m scared, but I’m still going to do it!”

I KNOW you can recall vividly your body shaking with fear while in a pressure match.  But when you calm down your adrenaline by breathing slow, deliberate breathes, and you realize you can still play well under pressure, then can see you were meant to be in that situation!

Pressure and fear only means it's an important match to you.  As Jane says, nothing is wrong with that! 

Jane adds:

As you acknowledge your feelings and keep going forward in spite of them, your self-worth and self-confidence will rise. The adrenaline from fear will change to the excitement of anticipation. Suddenly, you’ll realize the emotion you’re feeling has turned into sheer enthusiasm!**

What powerful reminders! 

One more tid bit I'd like to share about fear that I just read today. This is from someone who commented on the above Jane Powell column about fear:

"I once read a book that compared fear to an alarm clock – when we hear an alarm clock, we don’t get paralyzed, we do something — whenever I am afraid, it reminds me that fear is a call to action — turn it off, get up and get moving. I don’t make progress by hitting the snooze button."

I love learning, don't you?!  :)




**(excerpts are from Jane Powells' Daily Meditations for Women)