Rude Players Create a Stigma

Competition can really bring out the worst in us sometimes.  Right?

But what's interesting is, it's not who we are away from the table.

Take John McEnroe as an example.  He LOSES it on the court.  Yet when he commentates, you can tell he's not emotional and mad all the time, lol.

Here's the thing about competing.  If we are an extrovert and we wear our feelings on our sleeves, we may be a sore loser when we lose.  We may quip as we limply shake your hand, "I'd say nice game, but you only got lucky."

Ouch!

However, if we are an introvert that keeps our feelings inside, we would shake our oppoents' hand when we lose and bite our tongue.  We may vent to a friend, blog about it on the internet, lol, but we wont make a crappy, uncalled for comment to our opponent.

Here's another situation - many players learn or figure out eventually to not act that way (rude).  I know numerous players who used to act crappy after they lost, and now they are cordial.  Sometimes it's takes great self-reflection, control and learning to stop that "habit."

But this leads to an interesting point I'd like to share.

Because again, many people who spout off, are rude, or make crappy comments, they aren't that way all the time.  Competing brings that out.  Their emotions of losing, the sting of the loss, the bite of feeling embarassed - THOSE are the things that causes most of the rude comments to come from our mouths lol.

However, what this does is it is causes an unfortunate observation from people who don't know them personally.  And then they get a vison in their head, "Wow, that girl was a bitch and rude."  And then we immediately don't like them.

This is normal.

But what you pleasantly find out when you get to know them away from the table is how great they actually are!  Almost 95% of the players I thought were rude and obnoxious, were actually really great people.  Sure, there are 5% of the players who really are rude assholes and bully's.  But 95% of them are really cool, dependable, nice, people!

So, while it's normal to judge someone on how they react after they lose.  What is more surprising is when you get to know them and they become your friends.

Many of the rude players happen to be top players, right?  Not all, obviously, but many of them play good.  So when I joined their team or I formed teams (because we want the best teams, right?), that's when I learned most of the "rude" players were actually great people!  Many even became good friends.

Don't get me wrong - I'd still not like to compete against any of them because of their attitude on the table lol.  But if you get a chance to maybe have dinner and get to know those 95%, it actually becomes a surprising blessing.

The Feel of Family at Certain Pool Rooms

Sometimes we have no idea what people go through and how tough things are.  I think a lot of people (including myself) haven't truly sat down and thought about some of the things some players go through or are having to deal with when they are playing/gambling.

I recently interviewed someone for Billiard Buzz (for the March edition) and to read about how he tries to handle the pain in his only leg for as long as he can, makes you wince.  Knowing some people might be dealing with cancer and still trying to play (like I wrote about recently) or maybe struggling to keep their emotions in-check while they are going through a bad breakup or recent death.

We really don't know what people are going through sometimes and trying to deal with all that while trying to play the game they love??  How do players focus and play their best with so many life distractions?  Crazy.

One of my friends who gambles all the time prefers to only play at a certain pool room.  He brings his loving wife along and she loves to watch him play and she is his biggest fan. 

I've actually never even seen him play unless she's around.  What's interesting about this is his wife has Huntington's Disease (HD).  What is HD?  Well, HD is a brutal genetic disorder that causes the progressive breakdown of nerve cells in the brain. It deteriorates a person’s physical and mental abilities during their prime working years and has no cure. This means her body is failing and her movements aren't smooth. The best way to describe what it looks like is a person with HD can't really walk straight or talk normal.  However, if you know him and you know her you don't think anything about it.  They are two great people in love who are great friends to many of us.

He constantly professes on Facebook, "I'll play you at my home pool room." And he will play just about anyone.  The only catch is, you gotta go to him.  So, being the nosey person I am, I asked him why he only likes to play pool at that certain pool room.  But, I already knew the answer. I knew he was going to say it was a certain table he liked to gamble on or the smoking wasn't as bad there or that it was close to his house.  But the reason was actually really shocking to me.  I had no idea.  And I don't think many people have any idea.

He shared with me at this certain pool room he goes to most often, everyone there (patrons and people who work there), treat him and his wife as family.  He said, "They know us and they care about her.  It feels like family." 

And because his wife has HD, that's more important than I can even put into words in this blog.  While he's gambling, she can sometimes spill a drink or drop a cigarette.  His and her friends (the patrons and workers) will help her if something comes up he happens not to see first.  He is the one who normally helps her right away, but sometimes he might be down on a shot or someone might be in his line of sight of her when he's playing, and he may not see something as fast as someone else who is closer by. 

Other times, his wife is in the bathroom too long and he would need to find someone to go check on her.  At this pool room, when she's MIA for too long, the waitresses and female bartenders check on her even before he asks them to.  Everyone there cares for him and his wife and because of that, THAT's the reason he plays out of that pool room most often.  And that's also why there's an open invitation for anyone to come to him to gamble - because it's not comfortable for him and his wife at other places.

When he goes to other pool rooms, the caring atmosphere isn't there because they don't know them well. 

At other pool rooms (don't get upset, peeps), drunk people will actually make fun of her (thinking she's really drunk) or no one helps her right away if she needs help.  As you can imagine, anyone who makes fun of his wife is quite a distraction and it also hurts her feelings deeply. 

If you don't know either one of them, one does wonder what's going on with his wife. That is natural, right?  But sometimes people don't ask, and instead assume.  And sometimes these assumptions are rude and occur when the husband is trying to concentrate and gamble.

So, in order to be in a more peaceful, calm and caring atmosphere among good friends, he goes to this certain pool room where they both feel most comfortable and cared for.

I don't know why I'm so surprised, as I thought humans had more decency and were kinder to others.  But I guess when you get around a bunch of drunk young friends, people aren't thinking clearly and say stupid things not realizing the situation.  I know no one is deliberately mean, but sometimes hurtful, rude things are said.  And in the home room they go to, NO ONE would tolerate anyone treating her badly or making fun of her.  The friends would jump in before the husband could lol!

So I was completely wrong.  It's not the comfort of the atmosphere, the comfort of the pool table, or the closeness to home.  Not at all.  THE reason is because he and his wife are treated like family.  And that provides a sense of relief, support, and comfort for them.  Let's be honest.  He's already distracted and always on the look out to see if she's doing okay or needs anything.  But to be able to be in a setting where people help him by watching out for her, that allows him to be able to focus a little bit better knowing there are good, thoughtful people around that cherish her.

The Toll of Verbally Angry Opponents

I unfortunately witnessed a very disheartening situation at one of the Omega tournaments this past summer.  As the Tournament Director of the tour, I am ashamed honestly to talk about this, but as you all know, I'm very open in my blogs and I feel that it's important to talk about all aspects of things. Even uncomfortable ones.

Plus, as a player myself I know these situations happen on other tours and at weekly tournaments, so this is not an isolated event.

Long story short, a player who has played on the Omega Tour for the last couple of 2 years has maybe lasted until Sunday in one event. That shows his dedication and the love of the game and that he isn't playing on the tour to try to make a living; he just adores the sport that much and keeps competing.

However, on this particular night, he found out that that love can be disrupted.

His opponent on this late Saturday night match had gotten upset at him and instead of keeping his anger internal, his opponent was pretty much throwing a temper tantrum, being vocal, upset and disruptive to him.  And as loud as he was, he of course was disruptive to players around him as well.

As the Tournament Director, I was summoned over to handle the situation. I basically told the two players to stop yelling and talking to each other and that they were not allowed to speak to each other again during their match.  I stood there and refed the rest of the match.  Honestly, I didn't really ref any shot -  I stood there looming over their table to ensure that they both stopped being verbally abusive to each other (they both had started to raise their voices at each other, each one defending themselves).

So what part of the situation disheartened me?  It was when the player who plays every tournament for the fun of the game because he loves the game, told me he's no longer having fun.  

It was like a punch to my stomach.

Although he was upset when he told me this, it is actually very unfortunate and very true that when you run across players who are verbally abusive or throwing temper tantrums or can’t handle their emotions, it makes it difficult to love playing the game; to even want to play anymore.

His exact words to me were, “I don't need these frustrations to play the game I love. If he wants the money that bad, I'll just give him the match so I don't have to deal with his bullshit.”

I don’t blame him - we all want a great, calm atmosphere to compete.  It’s already tough enough to handle our own emotions and thoughts, and then to throw in an outside force (rude player), makes it that much tougher to even want to play anymore.

However, we don’t live in shatterproof houses and we don’t live in daily life without discomfort.  My wish is that people would learn to handle their emotions more professionally.  They don’t realize how much of a positive impact it would be for everyone around them, including themselves.

Even though the opponent who got upset feels that he was “wronged,” he has absolutely that right to feel that way.  The problem is, he hasn’t learned yet a better way to control his emotions than raising his voice and being vocal and rude.

It just really made me sad to know that because some people do not handle their emotions well yet, that it almost convinces players to not want to play anymore at all.

Tough to Lose With Class

One of the Omega Billiards Tour player's who is well-known for handling loss well and never showing emotions or getting upset, was sharing something with me and his fiance' after he lost a match late on a Saturday.

You see, just because he SHOWS no reaction to losing a match he cares about, doesn't mean he's not internally really pissed off!

He said, "Ya know, it really is tough to lose with class."

I looked at him kinda weird, knowing he handles losses better than anyone we all know.

He continued, "I'm actually really mad I lost that match and I'm out of the tournament already, but I don't need to be an asshole because of it."

I couldn't even see on his face or in his body language that he was that internally upset about his last match; he controlled his emotions that well.  If he hadn't uttered that confession, I never would have known just how upset he was.

He continued to share that when he was a kid/teenager playing pool at places with his Dad, he was punished for outbursts.  "Daddy took my cue away if I showed I was upset.  Or, he wouldn't let me play for two weeks.  That teaches you to stop showing you are pissed off when you lose.  I wanted to keep playing!"

He added, "It's so hard to be a good loser because we want to win so badly.  We don't have to accept it.  Hell, we don't have to happy about it!  But, always lose with style."

I think Tony Sulsar would be extremely happy and pleased to know that what his Dad instilled in him is actually what we all see and appreciate in Tony.  People talk about it all the time - how well he handles himself, is always a gentlemen no matter if he loses a tough match or wins, and never shows anger at all after losses.

He's a great role model.

His Dad would be so very proud of him!

Breaking Cues

I always find it interesting when I hear of a player who used to be an angry player.  Unless we've known these players for years, I suppose how would we have know that? 

It's cool they have changed and are calm during matches now, instead of showing angry (negative) emotions like they used to.  I do love maturity for sure!

One of my friends recently told me to my shock that he used to get so upset during games that he would literally break cues over his knee.

What people don't realize is, this usually doesn't really indicate per se the person has anger issues, in my mind it instead indicates they hate to lose!  Everyone handles missed shots or losses differently.  Some get angry, some laugh, some try to hold it in, some break cues.

I asked him how he stopped that "habit" and he replied, "I started to dabble in making cues, so that taught me not to abuse them anymore."

:)

Angry Players - An Interesting View

I always love running the Omega Billiards Tour, because sometimes I have great talks with players (besides watching all the great play) and I get to pass along interesting conversations via my blog, to share with you all.

I was talking to a player at the February stop who has prolly played as long as I have,  but also wasn't one of the top players yet on the tour, either.

He started to talk about a couple of players that did not get in this event because the standby list was so deep.  But he admitted that he was glad, because they were always upset and mad.

He said, "I really don't like playing them because they get so angry and it's tough to play pool when you are playing a player that slams their cue or is vocally upset or shows how angry they are."

Then he confided, "I used to be that player."

Really?

"Yes.  I was extremely competitive in middle school and high school.   I was kicked out of several basketball and football games because I was so aggressive and mean.  I wasn't trying to tackle, I was trying to hurt them!"

Wow, this guy didn't look like he would want to hurt a fly, and he was telling me this.

He continued, "and my competitiveness easily transferred to pool.  I would smash a cue about once a week.  I was brutal."

Yikes.

He continued and explained why he no longer gets angry, "I noticed that no one liked the players that got angry or were rude during their matches.  They didn't have many friends, either.   But mostly, they were looked upon like a bad person and an asshole.  And no one wanted to play them, NOR be around them. "

He shared something I hadn't thought of before, "I realized that I would rather be the type of player my opponent was scared to play because I played really pool.   I want them to hate to play me because I had talent to defeat them badly, not because I'm an asshole.   So, I changed.   I'm still working on being that monster player (as he laughed), but at least I'm not an asshole anymore that no one wants to play or be around."

Mental Anger

Our mind can really be an extreme negative beast to ourselves. 

I have seen two very recent "episodes" of the extreme negative turn that our minds can take.

And, it's not pretty.

The first one is when I read about how Mike Dechaine accused my friend during the most recent TAR match with SVB (Shane Van Boening), that her and her two friends were deliberately texting to shark him.  I counter that what really happened was, because Mike was losing in front of 100s of fans, that he got agitated at-any-little-thing.  Our mind starts to assume things when we aren't thinking clear, when we get upset, and embarrassed, and that is why I presume Mike assumed they were deliberately doing something so horrendous to a pro. 

What's worse about these situations, is in our minds (well, Mike's mind in this case), he prolly honestly believes that happened and nothing will ever convince him otherwise, even after he calms down.

The second recent instance: I was gambling a couple of weekends ago a $200 set, race to 9 on the 9-foot table.  And the guy I was gambling with, was losing.

Now, since I'm a girl, the thought of losing is even worse, esp since a lot of people were watching and cheering me on.

One of my friends had played him earlier in the day, and beat him.  Unrelated to that instance, my friend (who's voice carries) was telling a small group us (while I was gambling), about how he didn't get paid a few months ago from a guy named JB.  I would walk back and forth from my shots to hear the story.

My opponent was about to shoot during his turn and instead walked right up to my friend and started to verbally attack him, saying "I have ALWAYS paid you!!"  He told my friend to shut his loud mouth and that it was rude that he was telling lies about him while he was trying to gamble.

Several of us tried to tell my opponent that my friend he was talking about JB, not him, but he would not listen to us.  He insisted the guy was deliberately lying, deliberately talking loud, and trying to shark him during this gambling match.

I was shocked and desperately tried to reassure him, as I knew my friend was talking about JB and not him, but he didn't believe us and so we just asked our friend to leave so as to not cause problems.  He didn't mean to tell the story loudly and distract my opponent.  But my opponent was the one who flew off the handle assuming my friend was talking about him.  I can only guess if he was beating me, he could care less my friend was talking, because then nothing would be bothering him and he would be in a good frame of mind. 

When we are losing, get embarrassed, or make stupid mistakes, things on the sidelines bother us a lot more than when we are winning.  When we are losing, our mind can get so upset, that we don't think straight and things that normally wouldn't bother use become extremely negative, sometimes nasty, unrealistic thoughts. 

Not everyone in the world shows emotion or speaks up when they get mad, angry, or agitated (thank goodness), but many do.  You can visualize Tiger Woods throwing a gold club, or John McEnroe chewing out a referee. 

I don't think these reactions are wrong per say, I just think sometimes they are unavoidable as we react to our internal emotions and the deep negative feelings we can't contain, so we slam a cue or snap at our opponent.  It's not right, but remember, we aren't thinking clear if we are upset and angry anyway.

It IS tough to tolerate that behavior, but if you recognize what is going on, it's sometimes easier to handle.