Words of Encouragement - Learning from The Cueist

The Cueist shared with me a couple of years ago (yes, still behind in my writings, sorry!) that a friend of his texted him throughout an end of season league tournament and told him to just have fun. 

This friend of his also texted him the same thing while The Cueist was playing in a Nationals tournament. His friend reminded him via text to have fun as he kept winning each match.

The Cueist also shared that similarly, another friend texted him right before a big match at a State tournament and told him something like, "Dude, you have earned this spot, it's what you have been putting all this practice in for."

What I found interesting was the way that The Cueist responded. He said that those texts were helpful! Almost even divinely received at the perfect times in those tournaments, that fueled him to be more confident for the match upon him.

I am so dang timid and shy and worry so much about how I don't want to add pressure to people, that I don't reach out to hardly anyone during tournaments. Hell, I don't even sometimes text my friends before a tournament.

I struggle so much with what to say, how to say it, when to say it, because I don't want to affect anyone's game negatively. But what I have to realize is: there's a lot more mentally strong people out there than I was during my pool journey, and maybe a text will actually help them! Like it clearly has for The Cueist.

I need to stop being timid and scared that I'm going to affect their game. That was always MY reaction to texts - I'm being pretty presumptuous about my affect on others, huh?  lol. I just know so many times I took words, advice, texts, etc WRONG or felt PRESSURE.  Again, that was my experience because I had a 'test anxiety' complex.

In reality, maybe I will help my friends, just like The Cueists' friends helped him during crucial moments.

Personal Issues Set Aside as a Leader

As a Tournament Director, it doesn't really matter if I am upset with a player or not, I MUST be professional and treat everyone the same and with respect.

I fully admit I did not do this in the past in my 30s when I ran the OB Cues Ladies Tour.  I was upset at a female player that spoke bad about me behind my back.  Instead of talking to her to try and resolve the issue or find out what was going on, I instead (mis)treated her like I was taught as a child:  You ignore them when they have upset you.

It was NOT right or correct and looking back I see how wrong I was and I am downright ashamed for acting that way.  

I apologized to her many years later (TOO many years later, honestly) and we are now cordial with each other.  I found out it was all a miscommunication of why she was talking about me, but let's face it - anyone can talk about us and say what they want behind our backs; they have that right, really.  We don't have to like it, BUT, as a leader of an organization, I should have still treated her with respect instead of being hurt and acting like a child not talking to her.  I WAS WRONG.

So, fast forward to ten years and me now running the Omega Billiards Tour.

/personal feelings turned on/

So, I was running an Omega Tour stop about two and half years ago and I was very un-confident and overly concerned about myself as I had gained some weight.  Towards the end of the tourney, one of the regular players at the pool room and I were talking and I confided I was having some back spasms.  He replied, "well, maybe you should lose weight and that wouldn't happen."

To say I was mortified is truly and absolutely an understatement. 

I literally cried all the way home.

/personal feelings off/

About a year later, this guy started to play on the tour.   Yes, it sounds stupid but I was still hurt and couldn't forget how upset I was.  But, I am running an organization, and I had to be a leader and treat him with respect even though he hurt my feelings.  (sorry, but you can say a lot of things about/to a woman but weight should be off limits IMO.)

I admit (again) that at first I didn't really talk to him at all.  But then I put on my leadership hat and treated him like all the other players and at least would speak to him.  I also ALWAYS contacted him if he was on the standby list.  I never skipped his name, I was doing the right thing at all times, just wasn't really very friendly to him. 

But, I have changed that though and even say hi to him if either of us walk by each other and am very cordial with him now. 

I'm actually proud I have matured enough to recognize running the Tour comes before my personal feelings. 

Bottom line is, yes I have gained weight.  But, NO it's not a reason to not speak to someone who plays on the tour just because they helped point out my weight gain to me, lol.

Leader at all times, no matter what.

This is just one personal example.  There are a thousand other examples of situations that have or could come up where someone upsets us.  But, we have to put those feelings aside and still run the best organization we can.  And still treat everyone the same.  Running an organization is about the people, not ME.

Myers Briggs

How we interact successfully with others is an every day occurrence and is largely based on our recognition of the different personalities each person has.  How we handle situations at work, and how we deal with our family and friends.  And of course, how to handle different personalities in pool, too.

Every day life.

One of my recent captains was having an issue with a teammate.  She was upset she wasn't playing on a certain night.  The female is about 23 and new to the pool arena, even tho she plays well.  The captain is in his upper 50s and been around pool for ages but not a top shooter (but he thinks he's the snizzle).

They got into it one day about this issue:  Why she got sat out and instead he played, on a certain night.  He told her, "we needed our top shooters that night and you aren't one of them."  (Basically)

Obviously she was super upset.

I expressed nicely to the captain after I heard about it, that he should never have spoke to her that way and said that that way.  He defended himself by sharing, "My Dad told me to always say what's on your mind and be straight forward so there is no confusion."

While I can understand his Dad's words of advice, you still should be sensitive as to HOW you say something and be cognizant of who you are speaking to.

I told the captain he should never say that to a new female player who was already having issues being compared to others.  I told him he *might* get away with telling me something like that.  As I might have been more receptive because I know it's true and because I'm 45 and maybe I can handle that true low blow.  But she's too young, new, and sensitive to be told that in such a blunt way.

He asked me how would I have told her and my response was, not like that.  Sometimes you have to be careful how you word things.  Be nice and not rude, no matter how true or hurtful the info is.

Several on the team were upset how he spoke to her.

Bottom line is, that's HIS personality.   If you know that, you get less upset if he's a tad abrasive or brutally honest.  And if you know her personality, you say things a tad different to not hurt feelings.

For those that think, "just say what you mean, if they get upset it's their problem."  I suggest that people skills can be a gift, and learning about leadership helps understand different personalities and how to get along best with other types of personalities.  I suggest looking up Myers Briggs.  HIGHLY suggest it.  You'll thank me.  :)

 (click to enlarge)

Miscommunication 101

At our very first scotch doubles match in the Open Scotch Doubles event at BCAPL Nationals at the end of July, my partner and I are up 2-0 or so in a race to 4.

At some point during this third game, the female of the other team is standing at the table kinda confused.  She gets down to shoot a certain shot and her opponent stops her.

Uh, hold up - what's going on here?

He says something to her, and they motion to each other and then he says, "time out" to us and walks towards her.

Time out?!  HOLD ON!

I stop them and say, "uh, excuse me, there isn't any time outs in scotch doubles."

The guy says to me, "Yes there is."

"No, there isn't," I counter.

He tells me, "we did it last year."

"Um in what league?"  I ask.

"This one."

I told him, "I have been playing in this event like 10 years, it hasn't been allowed for YEARS," as he's looking at me confused.

I ask nicely, "Can I ask the ref?"

"Sure," he says, "sounds good."

I go up to the ref that is literally just feet away from us, "Uh, excuse me, but are time outs allowed?"

He looks at me and replies, "yes."

I'm like OMG REALLY?

I asked, shocked, "since when?"

Ref's reply:  "Since as long as I can remember."

OMG....

I go back to the table and tell my partner first, "he says there are time outs."

So, the guy goes back to the table to tell his opponent the better shot to shoot.

I ask a friend of mine who is playing next to us, "hey, are time outs allowed?"

She replied to me laughing, "No, Melinda, we've been playing in this event over ten years and they have never allowed it.  Come on."   It was ironic she said ten years, too, lol.

So I go up to another ref and he says the SAME thing.  I'm about to lose my mind - has my memory REALLY gotten that bad??  I know I had two concussions in the last year but REALLY?

So I go up to the first ref, "I'm sorry, but can you ask the head ref for us, please?"

He says sure.

At this point,  my partner is like, "cool - let's take time outs."  LMAO.  It's funny because we don't need any.

The head ref shows up and they call me over.

"What is your question ma'am?"

"Thank you.  Are time outs allowed?"

"Yes."

I'm DUMBFOUNDED!

Then he adds, "you can take a five minute time-out for a bathroom break."

I ask, "no, for coaching?"  He says, "Oh no, not for coaching, just to go to the bathroom."

Even the first ref adds, "no, not for coaching."

Communication 101 people - be very SPECIFIC when you ask questions, lol.

Communication 101

As I have alluded to a few times in my blog, I ran into some integrity issues back in April.  I said I would share them with you, and I suppose now is the time to do so.

Back in April I played in the BCAPL Texas State 8Ball Tourney.  One of my FAV tourneys!
My b/f and I placed 2nd in the Scotch Doubles, I placed 4th in singles and my women's team placed 2nd!  It was a fantastic weekend for me.  I placed very well in all three events and was a very happy camper!  :)

I came home that Sunday night, extremely exhausted from five days of play, but very full of happiness and self worth.

Then, it all went to $hit by Monday morning.  :(

On Monday, I start to receive questions about my "actions" over the weekend and that people were talking about several incidences that occurred.  I was astonished!  About what people were saying; how they thought.  I was mortified how things are taken out of proportion; how people assume the worst in others; and that all of this drama was all around me.  And I had no idea! 

I had a FANTASTIC weekend of playing good pool and being around great friends so I couldn't believe my ears! The happiness of the weekend immediately went away and was replacement with horror and disappointment.

Here is what happened:

Right before the finals of the Women's Team event, one of my teammates asked my how a female player could play in both the women's team event and the open teams event.  I told her I didn't think it was possible, but she said she saw one our opponents (I'll call her Ford) play on a men's team in the open division on Friday night.

I asked several times if she was sure it was the same girl we were about to play in the finals.  She was sure.

I had been asked to play on a guy's team and presumed I could not play in both events.  Being the curious person that I am, I went to the TD desk and asked them about it.

They told me that no, in fact you cannot play in both.  She asked me who it was and I said I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, I was just curious for future reference for myself.  She said she wanted to check the rosters in case there was a mistake, so I gave her Ford's name and expressed again I didn't want to get anyone in trouble.  Ford was only listed on the women's singles and women's teams, and the TDs didn't seem to be concerned about the questions at all.  The TDs even joked and told stories that this is an issue with guys all the time at Nationals, playing on more than one team.

Turns out, I found out on Monday morning, that the 3rd TD that wasn't at the desk when I inquired about the rule, had told Ford she could sub for two rounds because one of the guys from her hometown was running late due to an emergency, but would be there asap.  I'm not sure why the other TDs didn't know this, though.  Or, why they allowed this exception.

However, for some reason, the TDs told Ford right before the finals that I tried to forfeit her!

WHAT??

All I did was try to get clarification on the rule, and in return the TDs told her I was trying to forfeit her so they wouldn't have to play us in the finals.

WHAT??

I had NO IDEA they told her that! 

I mean, during the finals I noticed our opponents were feisty and competing tough, but they are great competitors so I didn't really think too much about it.  Little did I know that the reason they were so feisty was because they heard I tried to forfeit them!  They were pissed!

The teammates were actually pretty hurt.  They had fought their way to the finals with hard work and to hear we were trying to forfeit them really bothered them.  I don't blame them.  I would have felt the same way.

Luckily, one of the teammates knows me well, and she expressed that it had to be a miscommunication of some kind.

Now, I could go on and on as to WHY the TD told Ford I tried to forfeit her.  IMO, they should not have told her anything at all.  BUT.... for all I know, THAT info was a miscommunication.  For all I know, they simply asked her about the situation, and then she assumed I tried to forfeit her.  Or, they really used the word "forfeit" for some reason.

Either way, the WHOLE thing was a very unfortunate miscommunication. ;-(

To make matters worse.... omg.....

About 5-6 years ago I called a foul on a friend during a team event.  I'll call her Kandy, because she is a super sweet girl.  Turns out I was COMPLETELY wrong about the foul!  I incorrectly thought that the new rule was you had to call all 8 ball shots, even if obvious.

I called a foul on her for it and felt super bad, but I really thought it was the new rule.  We called a ref over and the first ref said I was right, but Kandy knew that wasn't the rule and so she wanted a ruling from the head ref.

Of course the rule is you do NOT have to call an obvious 8 ball shot.  The head ref verified it.

I felt SO badly for screwing up the rule and for calling a foul on it.  I walked over to the entire team and apologized to all of them and said I was sorry. I was SO FREAKING embarrassed.  Mortified that I had been so stupid and called a foul.  The team didn't really reply back to me, but one guy in the crowd yelled, "You're a bitch for trying to shark her!"

What??  WTF was that?  I snapped, "I didn't shark her, I thought it was the rule!"

I was PISSED he said that to me, in front of everyone like that, and accused me of doing that deliberately!?!  Who the hell thinks these things up??

It was just a miscommunication taken WAY out of proportion.  But, Kandy was very upset about it, all the while I was very embarrassed about it.  I couldn't believe I messed up that rule like that!

A couple of tourneys later, Kandy and I are in a 9ball match and I scratch on the 7ball.  I grab the cueball out of the pocket, hand it to her, and proclaim, "Merry Christmas" because I was so upset at myself and I knew she was about to run out.  After that game, she told me not to talk to her anymore during the matches.  Eeek.  :(  I obliged, felt super bad, and then simply played pool against her and tried my best not to speak while we played for the next few years.

I noticed we were never the same.  We used to smile when we saw each other, said our hellos and gave hugs throughout the years we played competitively.  However, we hardly ever said hello anymore when we saw each other and she kinda avoided me after these two incidences.  I felt bad, but didn't do anything about it, I admit.

Fast forward 5-6 years and here we are competing in the singles event of the BCAPL Texas State Tourney.  We have played each other at least 20-35 times since that first incident. Kandy is a very tough, strong competitor and she is very tough to beat.

I scratch on the first game and as I'm moving chairs to use them as blockers to get people to stop walking by our table, she takes ball in hand and runs out. She racks for the second game and my b/f asks me if I scratched.  I said yes and he said he didn't see it.  I told him, "well, she wouldn't pick up the cue ball unless I scratched."

"Well, I can't recall, which pocket did it scratch in?" He asks me.

I don't remember so I ask her while she's racking.

"I scratched right?"  Not thinking AT ALL how my words are coming out.  "Yea," as she replied slowly as she looked up at me.

"Which pocket did I scratch in?"

She thought for a moment and guessed the side pocket.  I then sit down and tell my b/f.  She finishes racking and comes over and says to me, "I remember now, it was the other side."

"Oh okay, thanks," I say.  And then she adds, "I wouldn't be able to focus without remembering that."

I thought that was a weird comment, but didn't think more about it.

We went hill-hill and she ended up winning, but it was a FANTASTIC match!  We both played great in front of an amazing crowd.  I was very happy for her because I knew she would place well and we had such a great, memorable match.  

Well... turns out Kandy thought I was trying to shark her, deliberately!  AND.... turns out, she shared that info with Ford - who is the same person who heard I tried to forfeit her in the finals!

So, once Ford heard I tried to forfeit her later that weekend, it just fell right into place with how she had perceived me from the rumors.  All it did was justify my "actions."  :(

When I hear all this Monday morning, I'm so mortified, I am literally shaking.  I am SO extremely disappointed, angry, hurt, and shocked all at once.  I can NOT believe that this all was going on over the weekend.  I had no idea!  And anyone that knows me knows I am very honest and hold integrity close to my heart.  Further, I HATE drama.

I had no idea people thought this way about me!

Here I am in my own little world, thinking I am this nice, thoughtful person and a good representative of the sport, and yet.... other don't see me that way.

I was severely hurt and offended people thought this way of me.  I am very strong in my belief in the honor system.  I call fouls on myself; I don't cheat; I do NOT shark; I love competing and want the best out of everyone's game.

I went to a very dark and low place on that Monday.  I walked around work so disjointed and upset.  My feelings went from shock to hurt to anger to confusion.  I can't explain exactly how I felt, but to think you are a good, decent, nice person, and then you find out people think you are a b1tch (for lack of a better word), it's very heartbreaking.  :(

I was disturbed about it all.

After many depressing, long hours for the entire day, something weird happened.  I guess I finally saw things for what they were:  just miscommunication.  Things got twisted, like situations do sometimes in life.  And for the most part, everything that I heard was due to miscommunications and misinterpretations.  The scratch, that stupid 8ball foul, the forfeit.  Everything.

I made a decision to call Kandy.  Although we weren't close, I wanted to apologize and to explain my side of things, give her a chance to tell her side, and discuss this as adults.  IF she would even talk to me.

I got her number from a teammate, and called her.  She didn't answer.  I stumbled along in my voice mail and told her I thought we should talk and mentioned the weekend and the past.  I honestly wasn't sure if she would call me back.

She did!

It wasn't the easiest conversation of my life, for sure, but I told her I had heard some things and realized it was really a miscommunication and wanted to try and clear the air. 

She did indeed thought I was sharking her all three times (recent and in the past) and I tried to explain to her WHY I did those things.

She had no idea how embarrassed I was when I called that 8ball foul - she thought I was trying to shark her.

She didn't know why I said "Merry Christmas" in that one match after I scratched, but I explained I was mad at myself.  She was very honest and told me as a Board Member of the Ladies Tour back then, I should have known not to talk in my matches - and she was spot on!  I apologized to her and acknowledge she was indeed correct.

As for the scratch just the previous weekend, she said when I asked her about it, she just assumed I was up to my same old sharking tricks.  And to be honest, she had nothing else to go by so of course she would think that.  In hindsight, I expressed to her that I never should have asked - it wasn't that important.

I tried to explain from my heart that I don't deliberately shark.  I think she believed me, too.  I also told her we are more mature now and should be able to talk about these things.

It was a very difficult but FANTASTIC talk.  We actually both cried at one time because it wasn't an easy discussion.  While hearing the rumors about me hurt me deeply, in return it gave me the opportunity to address with her the root of our past issues.  It was a blessing in disguise.

I told her several times that pool is already so very mental and she didn't need any extra distractions when she played me.  I wanted her to focus on pool, not worry if I'm going to pull an antic or something when I play her.

While it took me a lot to make the call, it was well worth it and needed.  I really wanted to ease her mind about miscommunications and hope I accomplished that.  She helped me also, as I saw her side of things as well.

I completely understand why she felt this way all these years, but I'm sad that it happened at all.  Very sad and disappointed anyone would be upset over things that get so twisted and misinterpreted.

I was still very disturbed about the other issue from the weekend and reached out to Ford, also.  She accepted my apology and explanation, and said she figured after a few days that it had to be a miscommunication about the forfeit, also.

While I had a VERY rough time reviewing myself internally, wondering if I really was a good person, in the end, I wanted to try and express to these two women I'm really not that way.  :(  Sometimes we can't change peoples perceptions and in the future I can only try to prove myself with my actions.

While it was very tough on me, it allowed me the opportunity to try and make things right.  I was told the phone call in itself showed my true character.  That meant a lot to hear, as my self esteem had been kicked to the ground.

I'm very lucky to have such great, understanding friends and competitors in the world.  Competition can bring out a side of us we don't like to see, but in the end, we are human beings with heart, feelings, and tenderness.

I have written in my personal blog about the importance and differences in the interpretation of events.  I honestly don't know if I would have been able to see the other side of things had I not had some good leadership classes.  I was in so much pain, I'm not sure how I was able see or understand anything else, to be honest.  But I'm glad I did.

Kandy and Ford are truly great competitors and they deserve a good match, not distractions.

I hope reaching out to them was helpful to them.