Are You a Good Pool Player's Girlfriend?

I can't tell you how many times I see a significant other get upset at a guy during a match he is in. At this point in my life, it actually really irritates me to see girls get upset at their men when they are gambling or playing in a tournament.

Do they not get it?   Really?  You can't wait til they are done to show your anger and chew them out?   Do they really think getting on their nerves will help them play better and win the set?

Why do guys even take these girls to gambling matches or tournaments?   Oh, I know, because they will text and call every ten minutes til they hear back from you, and then still chew you out on the phone and hang up on you.

Listen ladies. Men gamble. Men compete.  They aren't not thinking of you deliberately, they are just busy being a guy - trying to see who has the bigger stick and win that money.

Gambling and competition makes a person not think or see clearly, especially about your emotions and how you should be treated.  It's not personal, tho.  Always remember that.  They don't mean to not call you. It's just they are busy with something that preoccupies their entire mindframe.  But you help them LOSE by giving them a hard time.   Don't send them crappy texts, don't hang up on them, don't chew them out during a match. Try as hard as you can to leave them alone and NOT upset them while they are playing (you already know all this will upset them more).  And how can someone play pool well if they are upset?

Trust me, I can sympathize to the frustrations that women have with their guys who stay out all night gambling. I have been around that my whole life and I, too, took it personal and have experienced the hurtfulness many, many times.

So, yes, I have been guilty of getting mad / upset at the wrong times, I fully admit. But, I am now 150% better than ten years ago.  I now keep any upsetness within me until they are finished gambling. I want them to WIN! I know if I upset them, they will (1) lose (2) take it out on me (3) get more mad at me (3) blame me (4) and the fight will be worse.

You can still chew them out afterwards. But during gambling matches, I beg of you to just hold that anger til the appropriate time. Don't even show it on your face. Keep it hidden. Be there for your man, so he can win!

The few times I have upset someone during a recent gambling match was deliberate.  But otherwise, I know to keep quiet, express any disappointment later, and instead be their biggest supporter.

I admit it's not easy at all to hold back when you get upset.  But try to.  So he can focus.

Your relationships will be better if you support and understand, instead of nagging at them you want to leave, or get upset because he's not showing you attention.   Hello?  He's in a game!

Now, if a guy is out every night gambling, then I can understand why you may feel hurt and angry and upset. If you can't handle their hobby and their gambling, tho, you may need to either reconsider the relationship or reconsider how you handle their gambling. Because as you know - they wont stop.

Either support them, leave them alone when they are, or you might have to seriously have a sit down and explain to them you don't like being second to gambling (although they wont understand).

So, are you a good pool player's girlfriend/wife?  Or do you get in the way?  Or, do you wish they would stop staying out late and gambling so much?

The very few men I know who stopped gambling usually did so because they started a new job or started a family.  But admittedly, some men still stay out late even with a newborn at home.  I can't say I understand that or would put up with that, but I haven't been in their shoes before.

All I know is - I was the bad girlfriend who always got mad, upset, and acted like a sensitive, selfish little girl (who overreacted all the time) when my guy was gambling.  I regret it now and am trying to pass on some good advice.  Now that I'm older, I see how insensitive I was.  I realize the females reading this will be like, "But he's being insensitive!"  And that is true - but we still can't change the fact he's gambling, can we?

So, let's start supporting him and try to understand what gambling does to the mind:   Gambling is like an addiction.  In a nutshell the way our brain processes our feelings of reward and success at a job well done is: trigger > reward > reinforcement.  The thing is, research also shows that a near-miss or an almost-win is enough to trigger the reward > reinforcement cascade, and is effectively encourages them/us to continue gambling.

What does all this mumbo-jumbo mean?  The brains of people anticipating a win at the roulette table appear to react much like those taking euphoria-inducing drugs. A team of investigators reports that the parts of the brain that respond to the prospects of winning and losing money while gambling are the same as those that appear to respond to cocaine and morphine.

I.E.  Gambling is an addiction. And if you've ever been around an addict, you know that their only thought is "more drugs" (whatever the drug may be - alcohol, gambling, meth, whatever).  And they become selfish.

So, don't take it personal when you are ignored or are feeling ignored.  Gambling is a real problem.  But try not to get mad at them all the time when they are gambling, or interfere with their matches by getting onto them.  At least, try not to.  Realize that even though you don't like them gambling and instead wish they were spending time with you, that if they are going to be out, let them have a good frame of mind and not be upset so they can play the best they can.

Note: After I wrote this and then looked up how gambling is affected by the brain (for the links at the end of this blog entry), I'm now kinda at a crossroads with my "advice."  Why support gambling if it is an addiction?  While I still whole-heartedly believe to not upset your guy while he's in a (any) match, the fact that gambling is an addiction and addictions are hard to break, perplexes me.  I still think understanding and support while they are playing in a match is much better than getting mad at him, tho.

But to read how it's an addiction confuses my own mind with my advice.

I'm not saying I would not be upset either if my b/f was out all the time (btw, he is, but I'm normally sitting right by his side supporting him), but I do admit that it's tough now for me to say to support him gambling, because now I realize through the research that it's an addiction.  But let's face it - there are many forms of addiction that many of us have:  food, alcohol, gambling in casinos, etc.  Gambling is just another form.

It Does't Matter How I Feel

I'm learning the hard way no matter how good I feel about my game, it simply doesn't matter.

I feel so good about my game right now, it's not even funny.  I love the feeling!  I know I'm playing well, I'm staying down well, enjoying playing, etc.. I have no confidence issues right now about my game and am only feeling pure happiness how well my fundamentals are right now.  I feel I can win a tournament soon, that's how confident I am about my game right now.  But... it's not showing up on the table for some reason.

I played in a tourney Friday night and I was the top player of the only 6 women who were in it.  Was I a little cocky knowing I was the best player?  Sure.  Was my ego inflated?  Sure. 

I was "new in town" again and so eyes were watching me, but I didn't mind.  However, I did think about that a few times when I was down on some shots (obviously not a good thing). 

The last time I played this tourney I won it.  I was stoked to finally win a tourney I was "suppose" to win.  This night?  I didn't come through.  This night?  It didn't matter how good I felt; I didn't play as good as I felt about my game.

And. 

Guess what?

It's very frustrating!

The three matches I won I played so good, it was sick.  It FELT so good to play so well!

The two I lost, I lost because I gave the matches away.  I let things bother me on the sidelines (expectations from other people) and that interfered with my playing ability.  I also underestimated my opponents.  I also got a little nervous.  But the bottom line - I didn't deliver.  I missed too many shots and scratched too many times.

Sure, it's only a race to two, but still!

Ugh.  :(

Where the heck is my mental game?

Where the heck is "play your best every shot" ?

Why aren't my positive feelings about my game reflective in my matches?

What the heck is going on with me?

Then on Sunday I played in a new league that I was recruited for.  My opponent was really good and I was intimidated.  I played the person; not the table.  Yea, I know I'm not suppose to do that.  And I played bad against him.  Yea, I had many things on my mind (a recent argument with someone, pressure to do well since I was recruited, people telling me how good I was, etc.).  But, I didn't play my game at all. 

My mental game is tanning on a beach somewhere on vacation.  Get back here biotch!  I miss you.  :(

Differing Perspectives

I love different perspectives; I like to hear other people's thoughts.  As one of my leadership quotes posted on my office wall states: "It's good to hear others differing opinions because it makes you consider things you hadn't thought of."

And this very thing happened the other night.

I met with a dear friend of mine for dinner.  I will call her Kat.  Kat just lost her mother and I wanted to get her out of the house and also wanted to catch up and try to be there for her if I could somehow.  She was her Mother's caretaker for several years, and even stopped playing pool since May 2008 to take care of her. 

After we talked about her Mom and caught up on things, I asked Kat if she had heard of the recent passing of one of our fellow female pool players.  Kat said yes.  Kat then shared a very cute and fun story about the woman and we both smiled in her honor!

I then confessed I was having some major guilt.  I shared with Kat that a few months ago I wrote about this woman in my blog, who sadly was a very bad captain (in my eyes).  I went on to tell the story how about 15 years ago she was my captain and her actions of being two-faced with her words of encouragement and openly second guessing her teammates' decisions was very traumatic for me. 

After I shared my discomfort and sorrow for now writing about a women who had recently passed away of cancer, she reminded me I did not reveal her name and that indeed otherwise I did think she was a genuinely nice woman that touched a lot of people.  And she was right; I did feel that way about her.

Kat made me feel better and I'm glad I opened up to her.

Kat then expressed that I shouldn't have let that bother me to begin with, tho.  She told me on many, many occasions that she (Kat) questioned a lot of shot selections from the sidelines.  It meant nothing other than pure curiosity and wonderment.  She asked me, "haven't you ever done that?" 

I replied yes, but I didn't do it as captain and surely not in front of teammates who need to be uplifted, not questioned.

I also recalled how a friend of mine who had read my other blog entry shared with me she could completely relate to how I felt. She had a similar team experience years ago that still bothers her to this day: a teammate questioned her shots while she was playing in her matches and also afterwards.  She would even tell her teammates they were "wrong" in their selections.  She added, "I for one don't go all the way to Vegas to be miserable on the team I am playing on."  Even though this friend has A LOT more self esteem than I ever had back in 1997, she still was affected.

Yet, although others could relate and understood, I also saw Kat's viewpoint clearly.

We went on to talk about many other things in our lives and we were telling stories all night long.  At one point, I shared with her something that happened to me as child.  She looked me dead in the eye and sincerely stated, "now that should have been something that was traumatic to you," pointing out in a sly way that a captain questioning shots should not bother me so much as the story I just told her.

Differing perspectives.  I love them!