Getting Closer

Well, I had league again last night.  Still debating whether to play next season or not.

I broke and ran the first rack.  Again everyone was like, "You can't quit!  See?  You're playing great!"

Uh, that's not the point.

The loudest thing I'm hearing that is making me second guess this is this one fact:  After you step away, your game is never as good as it was if you come back.

But yet I don't want to come back.

At least right now I have no desire to come back to league play.

Then they say, "I thought I didn't want to either."  Or, "You may never know."

Well, deep in my heart, I know I would rather not pick up my cue ever again.

Someone said last night, "What, are you going to stay at home and make babies?"  Uh, no.

People seem to think I will be staying at home every single night if I don't play pool anymore.  How about doing more outdoor things?  How about taking classes?  Or reading (which I do NOT do at all).  Things that improve myself so I can be a better friend and coworker, and to be happier?  I WANT to come to work refreshed after a good nights' sleep.  Not up late b/c of league. 

I tried to express that there is too much drama in pool.  Someone pointed out, "Well, there's drama with the Omega Tour (that you run)."  Well, that is different.  That drama is not against me personally.  There is drama between players that I like to handle with my leadership skills.  That doesn't bother me and I welcome those challenges.

But drama on league, or in the pool room, or at tournaments, THAT I'm tired of.  And I simply feel like I don't have to be around it anymore.  It's a choice.  Just last night someone got mad at me for playing a safe.  Literally said something to me about it during the game and raised his voice at me because he was mad at me.  I want to be around people who make me feel good, who make me laugh, who provide me peace when I'm around them.  I'm not feeling that at tournaments anymore or in league, either.

I reached out to a friend of mine that I look up to as I noticed through facebook that she no longer plays pool.  She said, "I found that the unhealthier affects of competition on my personality were bringing me down and that I was sacrificing other parts of my life in pursuit of something that was no longer making me happy.  I also felt like most of the people in the competitive pool crowd weren't that upstanding to be around."

She understands.  And boy can I relate!  (And damn she has an amazing way with words!)

The bottom line for me is this:   I have been very successful the last few years and feel very proud to have accomplished all that I did in a short time period.  And, I feel very lucky and also very fulfilled!  It's now time to focus on other aspects of my life than a smokey pool room that I have lived in for 20-25 years.  Not one person has said to me, "I support you."  All I get is, "you can't step away"  or "don't go, you are playing too good," or "we need you on the team" or "you will be back."  So it was VERY refreshing when I reached out to my friend who has already gone through this "retirement" (successfully, I might add).  And I spoke with another friend today who said, "Of all of the reasons someone could have to step away from pool for a time, that sounds like the best one. "

Maybe I will or maybe I wont play again, but there is more to this life than to come home late smelling like smoke.  How about hiking?  Golfing?  Visiting new beautiful outdoor locations?  Going out to dinner and having a great convo with successful girlfriends?  Making those type of memories.  I am chalk full of GREAT pool memories, moments, trips, locations, and friends of pool that I will NEVER take for granted and will always appreciate.  AND I wouldn't change A THING!  But it's time to move on now.  And playing pool even twice a week limits doing other more productive and successful things in my life, currently.

My friend also said, "the last goal that I set was to hit the top 16 in the WPBA. I played a bit without a new goal and wasn't focused. I knew it was time to quit when I no longer had any desire to set new goals."  I hadn't really thought of the feelings I'm having about retiring related to my goals, but after reading her comments, she made me realize that indeed once I achieved my overarching goal for the last 11 years or so to win BCA Texas State (which I did last year), my heart seemed "fulfilled."  And then after winning ACS Nationals 9-ball Singles just a month later, I felt shocked.  And I didn't set any new goals or can even think of any I WANT to set.  Been a great ride!

I will be very honest and say it takes A LOT to have mental toughness and focus for an entire tournament.  It's also very emotional dealing with all that can come with competition.  Not competing all the time will provide more peace in my life.  I know I sound extremely selfish, but it's actually NOT easy to be selfish, so I hope others can appreciate that this really is not a very easy decision for me at all. 

As I said before I will still be around pool because of the Omega Tour.  And I will actually be writing more in the future (for other pool-related opportunities).  I will still find items to write about in my blog, too, which I dearly love - my little heart-to-heart online diary!

But it's time for a change - a positive change that brings more peace in my life!

More Desire For Change

While I won all five of my matches last Tuesday AND last Thursday, I did not fair so well last night.

(editors note:  I wrote this blog entry last Friday)

I put pressure on myself, which didn't help.

I was sneaking up literally decimal points away from the top shooter in the league with my 5-0 last week, so each game this week was crucial, and yet I only won 2 games.  :(

I was in a pool room I hadn't been in in MONTHS - maybe over 8 months actually.  They had a tourney and so I saw people I hadn't seen in a long time.  While I gave hugs and said my hello's as time went on in the night, I realized so passionately that I did NOT want to be there anymore.  I don't want to hang out there, I don't want to spend my time there, I don't want to waste my time there.

Then I ran into people I didn't want to see, that affected my pool game.  I realize *I* let them bother me, but I am just at this point in my life that I just don't want to be around certain pool players.   And when this girl wouldn't move out of my way for me to shoot, or when she came over to read our score sheet - she shouldn't have even been around us.  We weren't even playing against her - she just came to visit certain people (I guess).

I am pretending so hard to want to be at league, but it's not working.  And, I think that's unfair to my teammates.  They aren't getting my full potential, and I'm also very quiet and well.... melancholy-acting.  Who wants to be around that?? 

I was upset after the league last night because I'm tired of coming home late, tired of smelling like smoke, tired of drama, tired of not being happy after I leave league, etc.  I lost sleep because I know I need to do something about this unhappiness.

I have a lot of things I'm trying to work on and playing in this league is not top priority for me.  I feel bad about it because I feel like I'm letting my team down, but I'm just not happy going to this league.  And life is too short to do things you don't really want to do, right?

One of the guys there asked where I had been, and I said I was slowing down playing.  His reply was, "Yes I understand, I was in a rut too."

I countered with, "No, I'm playing really good, I just really don't want to play that much anymore."  I wrote about this before back in April.

He then went on to say he had been playing in all these weekly tourneys at local bars and placing well lately.  All I could think of is that is NOT what I want to do anymore with my evenings.

I guess it didn't help that I had looked at the ACS Texas State rules and decided I really didn't want to play in singles this year.  So, why go down just for teams? (I haven't just played in teams in a state tourney in over 15 years).  Therefore, I don't need 6 weeks on this league any more, and even mentioned to my captain last night I may not go to ACS State.  I just can't see myself spending all that money on a hotel with no reward.  Thinking of my finances for once.  

Maybe part of my angst is that I want to try and get out of debt, travel more for outdoor things, be more healthy, work on my soul (not my pool game).  I also think that because I'm not drinking, pool isn't that social for me anymore.  And, it's not fun for me.

Sure, I know lot's of people that don't drink and love league and love to play pool, so I don't think that's the main catalyst of me wanting to step away from pool.

I honestly think the main reason is (1) there are now unpleasant people in my pool circle and I just simply don't want to be around them, and (2) I just want to do other things with my life now that I have been lucky enough to have been successful the last few years in the pool arena.

Even when I won all five games last Thursday, I still couldn't wait to get out of there and get home and rest up for work.

I've said before - if I hadn't of been so successful the last few years, I'd prolly still want to play.  But I really do NOT want to be in bars playing pool into my 50s.  MAYBE every once in a while, but not every week for the next five or even ten years.

Last night was tough on my heart.  Being around people that annoyed me, not winning all my matches, wanting desperately to leave and go home, not smiling or having fun, only wishing I could quit.  And, I'm afraid that is where I am heading with this league.