Hold on now, folks... This doesn't mean we haven't felt this way much of our life; we have! But what is different as we age is we start to actually act upon different choices and decisions based on yearnings for peace. We start to make more conscientious decisions that are best for ourselves. Finally, right?! For so many years we made a lot of decisions for others.
Let me provide one little, quick example. You have a family member you hate to be around because he's so rude and obnoxious, but you continue to still go to the family functions and put up with them. Then comes your mids 40s, and you have a epiphany about wanting less stress in your life and you realize you actually have a choice, lol. "You know what, I'm not going to go. I get upset for days after I see him and I simply want to have a good time around the holidays."
And btw, many decisions take time to finally make a change. It's actually uncomfortable to start looking out for ourselves because it seems selfish. So, it's not an easy transition at first, honestly.
My friend Dave Faver (as you all remember) passed away in May. He was a road player his entire life and I shared many things about him earlier this year when I posted the interview I did with him.
What I have been struggling with lately is Dave deserves an annual memorial tournament in his honor. The annual "Dave Faver Memorial Tournament" or something like that. Doesn't that sound awesome?! And as one of Dave's best friends who happens to be a seasoned Tournament Director, it makes perfect sense that I would lead the effort to set up a memorial tournament for him and also run it every year.
He deserves that more than I can even express. And that would also mean the world to me because he would be remembered every year (as he should be).
I've seen several memorial tournaments that have become annual events in honor of those who have passed. And it honestly makes my heart ache because I have not done this for Dave. But to be honest…. I cannot do this for him.
You see, this is the part of the story where I explain to you that I'm suppose to look out for myself. Which is something I only started doing recently.
What I have alluded to in my blog a couple of times is: I don't drink anymore. And I have not drank exactly 2 years of the posting of this blog entry (Nov 21). Yay!
What this means is, tho, as hard as this for me to say in writing to people I don't know personally and to admit to those I do know personally, is to let you all know that I'm kinda scared to go into the pool room at certain times. I know it doesn't really make sense because, sure, I ran the Omega Tour the first year of my sobriety and I didn't drink any of those 12 weekends I was stuck in a pool room. But, it wasn't really a choice for me - I had to be there and run the tournaments.
Running a tournament for Dave would be a dream come true for me, and you would think I could handle being in a pool room for only two full days out of a year without worrying about drinking, lol, but... I feel apprehensive. And I need to listen to my instincts. And I have to look out for myself and my well-being. I'm nervous about hanging out in the pool room over two days around a lot of people drinking around the atmosphere where I used to drink frequently, often, and for numerous years.
It's not to say I would start drinking, but it's not to say I wouldn't be tempted, either. I have always been a social drinker - I've never drank at home or by myself. So, to do what's best for my health, my mental stability, my depression, my job, my friends, etc., I just believe it would be best if I don't put myself into situations that used to be the catalyst for excessive drinking.
You can go ahead and think that I'm weak, but literature will tell you to stay out of the element that can initiate those feelings of your addiction.
This may not make sense because you all know I go to Vegas 3 or 4 times a year (heck, I'm writing this blog post FROM Vegas right now lol!) and even though I don't have to pay for drinks there nor have to drive, I still don't drink there anymore. So why can't I be in a pool room all day? It's not that I CAN'T, it's that I don't want to. In Vegas, if I feel uncomfortable or get nervous about any situation I'm in, I can just walk away. But I get anxiety sometimes thinking about going to a pool room and being in that environment again. Probably because I associate the pool room with me drinking too much. And if I run a tournament for Dave, I can't just up and leave during it if I feel uncomfy.
Also, when I give/gave lessons in a pool room the last two years, I would always intentionally go in the mornings and be out of there by 1pm. You see, my drinking didn't start at night in pool rooms, it ended at night. So, I don't want to go into a pool room in the afternoons right now, either.
Even I admit I don't quite understand how I wasn't nervous about going into the pool room the first year of me not drinking, and yet now I am apprehensive about it for some reason. I guess because I am more aware for some reason that relapses can happen in the blink of an eye, and I want to help myself by not being in situations where that might occur for me.
And this would be the perfect time to share something crucial: one of the fears of becoming sober (or clean) is that you wont have fun anymore. And you may be thinking this to yourself right now about me, "Gosh, is Melinda even having fun? She's scared to go into the pool room so how can she be happy?" Well, I am here to tell you that I'm actually much happier than I've been in a VERY long time! I have more fun in life and enjoy things so much more! This isn't about the pool room making me sad - it's about the more substantial things I do now in life that bring me much more honest, memorable, and refreshing joy (drinking too much was getting in the way of those things).
Plus, there have been SO many benefits to not drinking anymore! Read mine here if you wish.
But, if I felt like I was in a better spot mentally, I would be able to hold a Dave Faver tournament in his honor. But, I think even Dave would understand my apprehension and would want me to do what is best for my well-being. Dave was so very happy for me when I started down this road, and then proud of me when I reached my one year anniversary (he was still alive then) and he knew how important it was for me to remain this way.
Temptations, I feel, I must avoid.
I know plenty of people who can eventually go back into the environment of their addiction. But right now I have a choice - and I am choosing what is best for me at the moment and I just don't want to put myself in that situation. Maybe it means I'm not strong enough yet? Maybe it means I just need more time? Maybe it means I'm just trying to be careful? Maybe it means I am glad for my decision to stop drinking and want to continue up this great path I'm on?
Whatever the reason, whether known or unknown, aware or unaware, I want to listen to myself and do what is in the best interest to stay sober. And I know Dave and my other friends would approve. :)
I know I try to be honest in my blog, and this is may be a little too honest. But I'm hoping that maybe at least one person can relate to what I'm going through, and therefore know you aren't alone.
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