Raised My Voice

I wrote just last month how a friend of mine suggested that I'm too nice sometimes to the players of the Omega Billiards Tour that complain a lot or cause issues.  My response and explanation I shared in this blog post (appropriately entitled:  Tournament Director Punching Bag) stated:

"I am of the opinion that it's not me being too nice, instead I am in a leadership role.  I am showing empathy and showing respect.  I am treating the players like I am a friend or maybe a mentor, and show understanding and let them talk and express themselves.

I think it's like running a business or being a supervisor.  And I wouldn't bitch out my employees or treat them with disrespect if they were upset.  I would show empathy, listen, offer advice (if a good moment to do so), etc."

Well, he was right.... I am too nice.  And, this past weekend I wasn't nice.

While I want to pat myself on the back for being the nice leader and treating everyone with empathy and respect, I found myself instead raising my voice over the past weekend.  I had two players "lay into me" and I couldn't take it anymore just standing there being a "punching bag," and I finally reacted.

I finally got fed up and raised my voice back at them.  Unfortunately the "discussions" were back-to-back so that didn't help matters at all.  While I might have HATED that I raised my voice, the reactions from the twp players were something I hadn't planned on:  they each stopped bitching at me as I "retaliated" and defended myself.

Basically, I let them vent to me for a while and just tried to be nice and calm in response, but inside I was upset and honestly, fed up.  I finally just couldn't take it anymore and raised my voice in defense of the tour and the decisions.  And told those two players that if I had the control to make things better, I WOULD.

I can't control mistakes, I can't control if a table rolls off;  there are just some things I can't control.  I feel like I am trying so hard and to get beat up on is tough to take sometimes.  If I could fix any of their concerns, I expressed to them passionately and with frustration that I would in a heart beat.

Because I was verbally abused for 25 years, I DESPISE raising my voice.  However, I simply couldn't handle the complaints, grumbling, and bitching at me any more.

I am disappointed in myself for raising my voice.  But I couldn't take being a punching bag that morning.  I just find it ironic, weird, and confusing that raising my voice finally stopped them from bitching at me.

Don't worry, this experience wont cause me to raise my voice a lot, lol.