More Desire For Change

While I won all five of my matches last Tuesday AND last Thursday, I did not fair so well last night.

(editors note:  I wrote this blog entry last Friday)

I put pressure on myself, which didn't help.

I was sneaking up literally decimal points away from the top shooter in the league with my 5-0 last week, so each game this week was crucial, and yet I only won 2 games.  :(

I was in a pool room I hadn't been in in MONTHS - maybe over 8 months actually.  They had a tourney and so I saw people I hadn't seen in a long time.  While I gave hugs and said my hello's as time went on in the night, I realized so passionately that I did NOT want to be there anymore.  I don't want to hang out there, I don't want to spend my time there, I don't want to waste my time there.

Then I ran into people I didn't want to see, that affected my pool game.  I realize *I* let them bother me, but I am just at this point in my life that I just don't want to be around certain pool players.   And when this girl wouldn't move out of my way for me to shoot, or when she came over to read our score sheet - she shouldn't have even been around us.  We weren't even playing against her - she just came to visit certain people (I guess).

I am pretending so hard to want to be at league, but it's not working.  And, I think that's unfair to my teammates.  They aren't getting my full potential, and I'm also very quiet and well.... melancholy-acting.  Who wants to be around that?? 

I was upset after the league last night because I'm tired of coming home late, tired of smelling like smoke, tired of drama, tired of not being happy after I leave league, etc.  I lost sleep because I know I need to do something about this unhappiness.

I have a lot of things I'm trying to work on and playing in this league is not top priority for me.  I feel bad about it because I feel like I'm letting my team down, but I'm just not happy going to this league.  And life is too short to do things you don't really want to do, right?

One of the guys there asked where I had been, and I said I was slowing down playing.  His reply was, "Yes I understand, I was in a rut too."

I countered with, "No, I'm playing really good, I just really don't want to play that much anymore."  I wrote about this before back in April.

He then went on to say he had been playing in all these weekly tourneys at local bars and placing well lately.  All I could think of is that is NOT what I want to do anymore with my evenings.

I guess it didn't help that I had looked at the ACS Texas State rules and decided I really didn't want to play in singles this year.  So, why go down just for teams? (I haven't just played in teams in a state tourney in over 15 years).  Therefore, I don't need 6 weeks on this league any more, and even mentioned to my captain last night I may not go to ACS State.  I just can't see myself spending all that money on a hotel with no reward.  Thinking of my finances for once.  

Maybe part of my angst is that I want to try and get out of debt, travel more for outdoor things, be more healthy, work on my soul (not my pool game).  I also think that because I'm not drinking, pool isn't that social for me anymore.  And, it's not fun for me.

Sure, I know lot's of people that don't drink and love league and love to play pool, so I don't think that's the main catalyst of me wanting to step away from pool.

I honestly think the main reason is (1) there are now unpleasant people in my pool circle and I just simply don't want to be around them, and (2) I just want to do other things with my life now that I have been lucky enough to have been successful the last few years in the pool arena.

Even when I won all five games last Thursday, I still couldn't wait to get out of there and get home and rest up for work.

I've said before - if I hadn't of been so successful the last few years, I'd prolly still want to play.  But I really do NOT want to be in bars playing pool into my 50s.  MAYBE every once in a while, but not every week for the next five or even ten years.

Last night was tough on my heart.  Being around people that annoyed me, not winning all my matches, wanting desperately to leave and go home, not smiling or having fun, only wishing I could quit.  And, I'm afraid that is where I am heading with this league.