Well, evidently, there is crying in pool, too.
I think it's EXTREMELY ironic that just on Friday I wrote a blog post to share my thoughts about the pain, frustrations, pressures, and heartbreak of competition. While I wrote that post to help newcomers, I did reference that even players who have been playing for years still feel heartbreak and discouragement after their matches. I have listened to my friends vent, seen their emotions escalate, and even witnessed their tears.
After this past weekend, I now think my post was incorrect. I now think I was wrong. It's not newcomers that feel discouraged. It's the some of the seasoned players that feel the most pain!! lmao. Some of the seasoned players have competed for a long time and even though we have more experience, the heartbreak is harder on us. I think I'm feeling more discouraged as my game goes up.
It's very frustrating!
:(
There were 50 women at the first OB Cues Ladies tour stop this past weekend. It was a GREAT turn out and a very well-run event!
I was not nervous Saturday so that meant I was probably gonna do okay. No expectations works best for me.
I won my first match (played good), got nervous my second match because I made mistakes and almost lost (but I won). Won my 3rd match and then my 4th.
All of a sudden, I'm left on the winner's side on Sunday! OMGoodness! I was SO excited and not sure how that happened (okay, I played good and got a decent draw), but it felt good. :)
But, I could feel my heart race when I couldn't go back to sleep on Sunday morning. I thought about why I was nervous (and the match was 4 hours away!). I could tell my nerves were building up, so I tried to calm myself down. I ran through the many mental toughness things I've learned over the years. I knew if I didn't think of the expectations, I would do better. I tried to simply be happy I was able to play on Sunday.
I posted on my akatrigger FB page, "Expectations are my enemy". I tried as hard as I could not to think of the results, but I admit, I wanted to win because if I did, I'd be playing in the hotseat and that would be my highest finish yet on this tour! (My highest finish is a few 4th place finishes).
I know how to stop the chatter in my brain (taught to me by Phil Capelle) and he said to focus on my pre shot routine and three balls ahead. But I could tell I was still nervous. :(
I read a comment from Ingo on my FB post and he said,
"Just define your goals- 3 timezones: short,middle and long. Note everything you do and did. So you can *clear* the list by working on each point :-) clearly defined goals/targets are better than expectations."
A light bulb went off my head and instead of focusing my concentration on my pre-shot routine and three balls ahead, instead, I made it my goal! Ingo really helped me out.
I was very nervous the first game of the match on Sunday morning and missed an 8 ball because of it. I then calmed myself down, tho, and concentrated on my goals: Smooth stroke, three balls ahead.
It really, really worked! I played SO good!
I didn't want to lose from nerves. I didn't want to dog it because my arms were wobbly from nerves. And I didn't - I played good! I saw the layouts SO well, checked for shape, saw three balls ahead crystal clear, but......................
I missed late in the rack. :(
A lot.
Too much.
I scratched on a tough 6ball (with two balls left on the table); I fouled on a 7ball; I missed a tough cut on the 8 ball, trying to hold the cueball for shape; I scratched on a 9ball when my opponent was on the hill; Missed that first 8ball; And scratched on a 7ball.
That's 6 games and I lost 4-7.
When the score was 4-3 me, I was on the 6 ball and saw the run. Tears swelled in my eyes as I thought to myself, "I'm close to playing in the hotseat." I then fouled on the 7ball and she took a break at 4-4...and I even told myself I might lose. I knew the break could be costly to me. I tried not to reflect on my misses or what the score "should have been..." I can honestly say I wasn't beating myself up, but I did feel a little deflated after every game I felt I gave away.
I played SO @#$$%*^% good, but couldn't close out for some reason. I lost my chance to play for the hotseat. I gave the match away. "It was not my time," I told myself. :(
But, as I shook her hand, I mumbled I gave the match away (which wasn't fair to her), but I truly felt that way. I walked outside the pool room and started to cry. Then I came back in to get my things, and as I drove home (to pick up my b/f so he could play league for me), I cried on the way there. When I walked in, I cried as I walked into his arms. I was sobbing! I was cry baby! :( I was so emotional. So upset. I lost. Badly. Played good, but still handed the match over.
Everyone kept telling me, "but you are still in." Still, the heartbreak of knowing how close I was was extremely painful. :(
I had almost two hours to wait til my next match and the same thing happened again! I would see the patterns well, but would miss late in the rack. It was heartbreaking. I lost 4-7 again and went immediately outside, and cried AGAIN!
There's no crying in pool!
;(
A friend comes outside (because he thought I was leaving) and he calls my name, "Hey Melinda!"
I shout, "don't talk to me. Please! Don't do it..." as I put my hands over my face and start to sob....
He walks up to me and tries to console me. He tells me that it just means I care. He tells me, "You are human. Humans make mistakes. It's okay."
I tell him again "I tired...." and he says he understands.
He keeps trying to console me as I keep crying.
Then he says, "I do have some advice for you."
I immediately raise my voice, still crying, "No, I can't take it. No, don't tell me anything. I'm too upset and my heart can't take it at this moment!" (completely aware that I'm sobbing and I know from experience I can't take constructive criticism too early after a loss)
And he tells me anyway, "You are taking it too serious. It's just a game."
Later on, I did ask him if he saw anything I could work on (like, did I jump up or not take my time, etc) and he said he didn't notice anything.
One of my other friends tells me (after I calmed down), "You played good." I turned to her and hugged her real hard as I shared, "Thank you for that." She kinda laughs and says "you did play well, just missed some balls at the end of the rack." I felt relief for some reason. Felt relief that I really DID play well, dangit! lol.
I placed 5th outta 50 and while I should be happy, I'm trying to figure out a few things: Why did I miss balls late in the rack? Why was I so emotional? What are my learning experiences?
First, my mental game is still very soft still right now. I'm not sure why, but it's obvious I am thinking too much during my matches (even when down on shots I have been thinking too much). While that might be a tough thing to tame, it's something I need to work on to help me succeed.
Second, I was very emotional all weekend. My Mom was on my mind a lot and I feel I am not doing well in that regard.
Third, while I'm embarrassed I cried, it shows how much I love this game and that I care. I have expectations and although I wanted to place further, the two matches on Sunday will forever be great arsenals of knowledge for me for the future.
It's funny, in the blog on Friday I stated that the more experiences you have, the better it is for our game. I've decided in order for me to do better on Sundays, I need to play in more tournaments to last until Sunday so I can keep trying and get more experience to be able to handle the invisible pressure I put on myself on Sundays. The sooner I get over this "obstacle," the more goals I can make and be better prepared for.
I'm a cry baby!
:(
Eventual winner of this event, Ming Ng!
Amanda, Yvette and I. :)
Veronica, who toasted for my Mom! Very touching.
Your friend was correct, pool is a game, not brain surgery. You have to remember that, if you miss a ball, no one goes to the hospital and the earth continues to turn. If you're like me, you would rather play and lose, than not play at all. So play the game and have some fun. Forget about the results, they will come.
ReplyDeleteFantastic insight. Good writing, even better reading.
ReplyDeleteI must first say I absolutely hated when someone would try to console me by telling me that what I was doing was "just a game." To get better at this game, I had forfeited relationships, lost jobs and put off my education until my 30's. When you spend 8 hours a day playing for years, (when playing my first few years) this is something different than just a game to some. Melinda plays hours upon hours a week, studies the game when not playing, etc. Inside, defeat is not the desired culmination of her efforts and it is not out of line that she feel how she did about it. This girl has played years on this tour, spent money and time away from her mother and family to play. That first place finish has eluded her on this tour, the one she loves and had helped run for years. I don't see the difference between her wanting to win that first event and John Elway working all those years to win a Superbowl. Do you think someone went up to him and said, "Don't worry John, it's just a game?" Football was his life, passion and how he fed his family. Pool is the way that Melinda feeds her spirit, and all parts of who she is. Please, to all who might read this, when you want to console someone who is showing that they care and love this game as much as she did that day, try to find another way to show you do. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just give us that space, or just quietly give a warm hug from you, our caring friend.
ReplyDeleteI can't help myself, I have to write something more about the previous comment left by anonymous as well.
ReplyDeleteI work at Sleep Train and I'm selling beds while I am finishing school. Sometimes I see my coworkers get frustrated and upset when someone walks out and doesn't buy from them, or when a customer just is generally not nice to them for some reason. I always laugh a little inside and say to myself exactly this, "Relax! We're selling beds, not saving lives!" With something like that, it's good to keep it in perspective.
But, please, in my opinion, I would like to say why it doesn't apply again here. We are talking about a passion, a lifelong pursuit of an individual. It is akin I think to also to a writer, who has been writing their whole lives, spending time honing their craft, time spent not cultivating relationships with people, taking vacation with friends, etc. Time spent to share their vision with the world, time spent to just get that first book published.
I don't think it is apt to use the analogy, "its not brain surgery" to this writer either as they see their book again not published. It really doesn't translate when we're talking about someone's passions. I think it directly applies like in my example above in what I do, but not quite linear in talking about what makes someone who they are.
And thanks, Melinda, for indulging me in your comments section. I have heard the same after I had been playing half my life, and just wanted to share my opinion about it. Thank you, Miss Melinda.
Sometimes "passion" turns into "obsession" and that is counterproductive. We all need balance in our lives.
ReplyDeleteAll but one player in a tournament ends up a loser. We can't beat ourselves up everytime we lose. We have to accept that someone else either played better or got luckier that day. Then we must regroup, get back to the practice table, and move on.
We don't have to like losing but we do have to accept it or it will destroy us. It's the balance in life that will make us all more successful in the things we are passionate about. JMHO.