Mental Mush

You'd think I wold have remembered this from my previous experience of when my Dad passed - that my mental game is mush after death/stress.

I painfully remembered the hard way this past weekend at the Texas Open.   And guess what?  It SUCKED!

I played and won my first two matches.  I'm suppose to win; I did.  I played pretty sporty most of the time in those two races to 7.  I knew heading into the tourney I was playing decent, so that vote of confidence always helps.  I also love the fast 9-foot tables with decent-sized pockets.  I can let out my stroke and move the cueball around the table like I own it.  It's a GREAT feeling!

After the first match, I bawled like a baby. As soon as I won, the immense pain of losing my Mom just 2 weeks before hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wished so badly I could call her and hear her voice to tell her I won.  ;(

In my 3rd match, I didn't play good, my opponent played better, and I had too much on my mind anyway to really focus on the task at hand.  So, I was on the one-loss side now. 

Me, cooling off with one of the fans inside Skinny Bob's Billiards.

That night, I stayed up with friends instead of going to bed at a normal hour to be fresh enough for my 1pm Monday match.  In the morning, I was upset at myself b/c I didn't get enough sleep and because I felt so exhausted.  But a friend convinced me I have played tired before and to just prepare myself for the match.  I listened to the words and by the time the match started, I felt GREAT!

I played good, too  :)

Well...... sorta.

I won the first game and was running out BEAUTIFULLY the 2nd game but missed the 8.  3rd game I again was shooting well but miss the 9 in the side pocket.  I got upset.  I miss another out and am down 4-1.

I am so dang mad, I go outside to take a break.

But because my mental game is on vacation, I don't know how to handle what is going on in front of me.  I don't know I am thinking down on my shots and to stop it.  I don't see I'm actually too confident, and have stopped focusing on my pre-shot routine. I don't realize I need to just have fun and accept what is going on (that takes the pressure off).  I'm not capable of not being angry at giving the games away.  I'm just not mentally tough right now.   I honestly think if I wasn't so stressed and going through so much, I would have been more aware of how to change my attitude and composure in time to win more games.

Instead, I got more and more angry at myself and pissed I was giving the match away.  I decided I wasn't going anywhere - I wasn't giving up.  But I missed a bank at one point, didn't play safe another, and dogged a tough 9ball to make the score and 5-6 instead she won 7-5.

I like my opponent a lot, but I did NOT like I didn't give her a good fight.  I think even she would prefer us both playing well.

Then I see the payouts and I was one round away from the money.  I normally don't care about the cash, but that would have been cool to place in the Texas Open again.

And I'm gonna tell you all something:  I'm TIRED of ending my runs at the Texas Open with stupid, bad play.  Tired of it.  I can't remember a year that I gave my best the final day.  Instead, I'm always tired, exhausted, or other distractions are going on.  One of these years I will get enough sleep and put the tourney first.

I miss you, Mom.

Tourney Descriptions  Sucked.