Why Say Something At All?

I realize Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, but I still don't get how guys can so easily offer their opinions at the wrong times.

Seriously.  I don't.

I was always amazed after a guy shot bad in a tournament his guy friend could easily tell him, "Dude, you shot bad."

If a guy (or girl) told me that, I'd be crying in the bathroom or snapping back at them (depending on when this occurred in life - in my younger days, crying).

Because I didn't hear a response from that male player that played bad in that tourney, maybe I'm wrongly assuming he didn't care what his male friend told him.  Maybe he really DID care and WAS ticked, but just didn't reply to his friend.

So, my assumption could be wrong on how I TOOK his non-reaction.

However, my assumption is not wrong about women offering negative opinions.  You wont hear a female tell a girlfriend, "gosh, you played terrible!"

It just doesn't happen.  At least not in my experience.

Granted, most people are taught "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all."

But I'm beginning to realize it just doesn't work that way in sports, or competition, and esp with males.

When a guy at the pool room is about to match up against another guy, people not associated with the match have something to say.  And they (for what-ever-damn reason) say it.  They will come right out and state, "you shouldn't beat this guy."  Or, "you aren't suppose to win."

Has anyone heard of leadership courses?  Does anyone else know the worst thing to do is to tell someone such a negative thing like that right before they are about to play?

Now, maybe you are thinking, "hey, calm down, maybe they are just trying to offer 'advice' that they shouldn't play that opponent for money"  I can understand why you would think that.  BUT - the games were already set; the players were already gonna play.  It wasn't negotiation time; it was GO time.

Instead of pumping them up, it just puts doubt in their head!  They question themselves the entire set(s).

Why do guys do this unprovoked?  Why would anyone offer their opinion when it's so negative and only hurts the situation?

I can understand the sweaters talking among themselves.  They will anyway.  I can understand if someone asks you what you think about the game or their opponent.  But I'm seeing more and more guys just spouting off their negative opinions about their friends' opponents when they are about to gamble.

We are talking about potentially losing/winning $500 a session here.  So, pump up your friends, or simply keep your damn mouth shut and stay out of it.

Do I sound bitter?  Yea, I do.  Part of that $500 is mine.

I have to admit a few very rare times a guy has said positive comments.  You should beat this guy" Or "You are suppose to win."  So, i have faith in the male species!  lol.  :-)  But why when money is on the line in a gambling match (or even in a tourney) why offer negative comments at all?  Seriously?  If it's gonna be a negative comment, then don't say anything unless asked.

Maybe I'm just around leadership courses too much so I don't understand.  Maybe it's because at my work I cannot send out one crappy or negative email and have to show professionalism at all times no matter how ticked I might be at someone else's crass email.  Or maybe it's because I watch my tongue and don't hurt other people's feelings.  If I have to say something negative, I try to very carefully word any ill advice (in all aspects of my life).  Aren't others this way?  Evidently not.

Men really are from Mars.

(Unwelcomed) negative reinforcement is described well by this AWESOME story by one of my favorite psychology and sports psychology authors, Denis Waitley, in The Psychology of Winning:

The World Series, in the 1950s.  New York Yankees, Milwaukee Braves.  Warren Spahn, the great Milwaukee left-handed pitcher on the mound.  Elston Howard, the great Yankee catcher at the plate.  Score tied.  Two men on, two men out.  Three and two.  A critical part of the series.  And a critical part of the game. 

The manager walks out of the dugout to give Warren Spahn, the great pitcher, some encouraging motivating advice.    “Don’t give him a high outside pitch, he’ll knock it out of the park,” said the manager.  And walked back to the dugout. 

Warren Spahn said to himself, “why did he have to say it to me in that way.”  Let’s see, “don’t give him a high outside pitch.”  “The reverse of that is…” too late.  Like a neon sign, high and outside came as the dominant message.  Out of the park went the ball.  A 3-run homer. 

Because of that one dominant thought Milwaukee almost lost the World Series.  But Eddie Mathews came in with a home run to save the game and the series for the Braves.  Warren Spahn, to this day says, “why would anyone ever try to motivate anyone with the reverse of what they want?” 

And so it is, with all of life’s confrontations.  You tell your children, “clean up your room, you little pigs.”  And what do you get?  You’re right, you get a pigsty.  And the kids say, “oink oink.”  Remind them enough, and they know who they are. 

That’s like motivating and office staff by saying, “firings will continue until morale improves.”  You know, it just won’t work. 

I know many series for the coaches who unwittingly set up their players for losing performances every day.  Here’s an example and basketball.  “Missing free throws is what loses big games, team,” yells the coach.  “You’re all going to stay late during practice and shoot free throws until you stop missing them so often.”  While the winning coach would take advantage of the positive motivation opportunity by saying, “teams with high free-throw averages win ballgames.”  “I want you to put an extra 15 minutes a day making your free throws in practice, so that when we get them during next week’s game, we’ll make all we can, and will win the game.” 

You see, this is the right way to motivate.