There is no I in Team

The second of three unfortunate things happened during teams. This is a very difficult blog entry for me to write. It's going to come across as vain and also will hurt some feelings. But as I mentioned, the journey of pool is not all positive and learning experiences abound for us to be better for the "next times."

This year we had a two new players on our team from last year. One of the players was semi-captain of her previous winning team and so she became semi-captain this year in Vegas, even though it wasn't completely decided. It was kinda morphed and just happened because we joked about it. Technically, we all had certain responsibilities and joked she was our co-captain.

In the first match, our Women's Open team, No Holes Barred, won hill-hill! I was playing so badly.  :(  The one game I almost won, I scratched on an 8ball, as the cueball barely hung up in the pocket. As I turned to shake my opponents hand, the cueball fell behind my back and each team member from both teams yelled in disbelief out loud. I got super embarrassed, shook her hand quickly, and as I stormed out I threw my chalk on the table that my teammates where sitting at. I went to the bathroom to calm down but very quickly returned to the area where we were playing. It was a team event, and I needed to NOT be upset so my teammates can focus.

I ended up losing all 4 of my matches. One of my teammates, who was having a worse time playing her matches, got one win because the girl gave her ball in hand on the 8ball.

One of my teammates called me after that first match to tell me I really did play well and not to let it bother me. It was really sweet of her to do that.

I could tell that for our next match I was ready to play!  Whatever mo-jo was going on with me in the first match was over (I think I ate too close to the match, to be honest).

As I stood there at the 7pm match, ready to play, I look at the line up. And I'm not on it! We have five players and I'm not one of the 4 playing this round. Um, what?

Here comes the vain part. I was offended.  I was hurt! How can I not be playing? Because I lost my four matches? I feel I am one of the top two players on the team and I wasn't playing? The co-captain tells me that her team last year sat out the person with the most losses from the previous round. She discussed it with the other co-caption before the start of the match, and she said that was okay. The other top player knew nothing of this, either, as when it was discussed we both weren't there yet.

The newly-appointed co-captain had to make a decision about the line up and simply went with what her previous team did.

But, I didn't have rationale thoughts going on.  Instead, I tried to calm down. I sat back down and told myself I deserved to sit out. I clapped loudly for my teammates and cheered them on, but inside I was crying and deeply hurt and confused.

When the other top player finished her first game, I pulled her aside and asked her if my thinking was wrong. She said absolutely not. And added that it should have been discussed with everyone. I told her I would feel the same if they pulled her - I would not want that even if she lost her four matches the previous round.

Hearing the confirmation I wasn't totally out of my mind and that someone understood and empathized with me, I sat back down and cheered my teammates on again.

I had to put the team first and try as hard as I could to ignore my the pain because there is no I in Team.

Then I noticed my name was back in the lineup... and I became livid! I got super upset.  You'd think I'd be happy, but I wasn't; at all! I felt so ashamed that because I got upset they put me back in. I didn't know it happened - the two co-captains decided to change it while I was trying to regroup with the other teammate.

I warned them there was no way I could play - I was too upset now! Actually, more upset than before when I first saw I wasn't on the lineup! I was mortified. Ashamed. Upset. I had disrupted the team and was so upset with myself for being selfish.

When the co captain finished her match, I told her I didn't want to be put back in just because I was upset.  She shocked me and said, "I didn't even know you were upset." She said they decided it was not a good decision after all and was only going by what her previous team did, so they put me back in.

She also explained that she was put in a bad spot to make the decision in the first place when she didn't even know she was to be co-captain. Then I felt super bad for that - it was a very good point. She was all of a sudden forced to deal with an issue that she didn't sign up for.

We won that match and went on to place 7th, but I can't help but still feel bad for disrupting the team dynamics. :(

There is no I in Team, Dammit!